Chaotic Not Random

I've been frustrated the past several months. "Well, I can see why, Kilgore," you are saying, gesturing toward the Involuntary...

MISCELLANIA Can you imagine approaching an attractive woman on the street and saying, "Tell you what. Why don't you remove all of y...

JUMP TO PART II I got my teeth cleaned last week. Was the hygienist cute? I guess she was, now that you mention it. She was slender, bespect...

FOLLIES IN MARKETING, VOL. 9 A few weeks ago, while The Negotiator and I waited for the train to take us to the Mammoth home opener, a youn...

If you're like most of us, you dislike poor people. They irritate you with their endless prattling about "mortgages" and ...

CHAOTIC NOT RANDOM UPDATES! Those of you who read this blog with slavish devotion will remember my " Backwards K " post from a whi...

Let's say you need to make a sandwich. Maybe you're just hungry, or maybe you're entering a regional qualifying tournament for t...

INAUGURATION DAY: PRESIDENT BUSH PLEDGES TO DO "WHATEVER THE FUCK I WANT" WASHINGTON -- In an Inauguration Day ceremony featuring...

LOCAL MAN SURPRISED TO LEARN BIRTHDAY IS FEDERAL HOLIDAY DENVER -- Kilgore Trout, who turns 31 today, was surprised to learn that the federa...

ASSHOLE THOUGHT FOR THE DAY While waiting for G-Dog's flight to arrive at DIA this evening, I saw a sign celebrating the achievement of ...

Yesterday was a Tuesday. Got to work at 8:00, or at least that's what I put on my time card. Moved papers around in a not-entirely-stoch...

LOCAL MAN UNSURE IF COLOGNE EXPIRES DENVER -- Apprehension reigned in the apartment of Kilgore Trout yesterday, as the 30-year-old Washingto...

2005 SO FAR Early Saturday morning, a good thing happened. I can't tell you what it was, though. On Saturday evening, another good th...

I only made two New Year's Resolutions this year. Making fewer resolutions is the way to go -- I think most people don't follow thro...

FOLLIES IN MARKETING, VOL. 8 I received an email from someone using the name "Scabbiest F. Asphyxiated," which turned out to be a ...

AN OPEN LETTER TO THE RED-HAIRED GIRL WHO LIVES IN 504 Dear Red-Haired Girl Who Lives In 504, When I went to Office Depot tonight, I nev...

JUMP TO PART II, THE TEDIOUS PLOT DEVELOPMENT JUMP TO PART III, THE THRILLING CONCLUSION "Tell us a story, Grampa!" said Bil...

THINGS THAT NEED TO GO AWAY RIGHT NOW, VOL. 17 Movies in which the main character's [mother/brother/girlfriend/best friend] gets bitten ...

When I woke up this morning, here's what I knew about the guy who works in payroll: He's in his mid-twenties and married. He served...

[Scroll down to read today's post. It's in a table, and it adds a bunch of blank lines for some reason.] KILGORE TROUT'S ...

Sometimes I dream about quitting my job, selling my car, blowing off my credit card debts, and buying a one-way ticket to China, where I wou...