LOCAL MAN UNSURE IF COLOGNE EXPIRES

DENVER -- Apprehension reigned in the apartment of Kilgore Trout yesterday, as the 30-year-old Washington Park resident found himself unsure whether his Swiss Army cologne (see photo), purchased at least seven years ago, was still suitable to wear on a first date, sources reported Saturday.

"Does this stuff have an expiration date?" said Trout, peering at the well-worn bottle, which has accompanied Trout on moves to California and Colorado since he purchased it at a Younkers store in Mason City, Iowa, in 1998. "I don't see one, but maybe they figured most guys would have enough success with women to use it all before it went bad. Jesus, this bottle is still 80 percent full."

"I don't usually wear cologne, even on dates," Trout explained. "I don't like strong odors, and it really irritates me when a woman wears too much perfume. If I go into one of those smelly soap stores, like The Body Shop, I get nauseous. But I was telling some women at work that I had a date this weekend, and they said I had to wear cologne, because it's 'so hot' when a man wears cologne. So I guess I have to."

"I bet they don't even make this anymore," Trout added. "I bought it on clearance, so it must not have been selling very well. Swiss Army cologne is pretty funny, when you think about it. Like you should be able to fold a vibrator and a condom out of the cap. Ha ha! I have to put that on my blog."

With time running out before his date's arrival, Trout took a chance and dabbed a small amount of the cologne on either side of his neck.

"It's not like there's milk or eggs in it, so I guess it's okay," said Trout, wrinkling his nose at the musky odor. "I guess it could still go bad, but fortune favors the bold, you know."

"I hope I didn't put too much on," said Trout, glancing nervously at the clock.

+posted by Lawrence @ 1/09/2005 10:17:00 PM