LOCAL MAN SURPRISED TO LEARN BIRTHDAY IS FEDERAL HOLIDAY

DENVER -- Kilgore Trout, who turns 31 today, was surprised to learn that the federal government, the state of Colorado, and the city and county of Denver have declared his birthday an official holiday, sources have reported.

"I went to the bank to deposit a check and was sort of taken aback to find it was closed," said Trout. "I always thought holidays were for dead famous people, like George Washington and Wilford Brimley."

Trout described having a holiday in his honor as "super neat."

"I think it's cool that they would make a holiday out of my birthday," Trout said. "But I would have thought there would be some kind of ceremony or announcement or reading of an official proclamation or something. You'd also think they'd give me a certificate that I could show to flat-chested girls with prominent noses. I bet it's way easy to score with chicks when you have your own holiday. Maybe the certificate is in the mail -- I wouldn't have gotten it, then, because of course they don't deliver mail on Kilgore Trout's Birthday."

"I hope the certificate is on parchment, in Old English lettering with the governor's seal stamped into red wax," Trout added. "I would even take down my Run Lola Run poster to make room for it."

Trout said that having his own holiday has not been without its trials.

"I wanted to renew my license, but the driver's license station was closed for my birthday," said Trout. "I was hoping they'd open it up just for me. That would have been a nice birthday present from the state."

"What do you mean, Wilford Brimley is still alive?" Trout added. "Jesus. He looked like he was holding the Grim Reaper's hand about 15 years ago, when he was making those Quaker Oats commercials."

Trout said "he has a dream" that people will spend his holiday in quiet meditation with friends and family, eating Pringles and discussing his blogging and ultrarunning accomplishments.

"As for me, I'm going to the Diamond Cabaret tonight," said Trout. "I sure hope the strip clubs aren't closed for Kilgore Trout's Birthday."

+posted by Lawrence @ 1/17/2005 10:15:00 AM