Chaotic Not Random

Let's say you need to make a sandwich. Maybe you're just hungry, or maybe you're entering a regional qualifying tournament for the World Series of Lunch, or maybe you met this hot girl and she's all like, "Oooooh, make me a sandwich, you big stud," while making her eyebrows go up and down. Well, here's how to make a sandwich that will not only make her moan with pleasure, but will make her call all of her hot friends so you can have sex with them!

You must start with the right bread. Bread is to sandwiches what a foundation is to a house, except bread isn't made out of concrete by sweaty workmen, but out of oats and honey and fairy dust by sweaty child laborers in Nicaragua. You should choose a bread with a name like "Harvest Hearth Artisan GoodWholesome Village Natural Stone-Ground." It should have a picture of a muscular man cutting wheat with a scythe and it should be made with no fewer than 37 grains. "But Kilgore Trout the most I can find is 14-grain bread!" you are saying. Well, I guess you're going to have to find 23 more grains to put in your bread, aintcha? You can usually find at least six or seven grains under the couch cushions or in the back of the glove compartment.

Now you're ready to make a sandwich! Lightly toast the bread, and then smush up half an avocado with some diced chipotle pepper and spread it on one slice of the bread. "Do you say it 'chi-POTE-lay' or 'chi-POLE-tee'?" you are asking. Gee, I don't know. Why don't you call the President of Mexico and ask him? I bet he has time to answer your stupid questions!

Now you fry some shrimp (known as "prawns" to Jerkoff-Americans) and onion in Italian dressing. Make sure you devein the shrimp, whatever that means. "But Kilgore Trout all I have is ranch dressing," you are saying. Well, then fry that shit in ranch dressing, motherfucker!

Put the fried shrimp and onion on the avocado-chipotle spread. Next you fry an egg, over hard. If you have the hot girl over at your house while you're making the sandwich, you should say, "Yeah, baby, I'm making it all hard for you," while you fry the egg, and you should sort of hump the stove while you say it. Make sure you wear a condom and don't hump the hot part of the stove.

Put the fried egg on top of the shrimp and the second slice of bread on top of that, and cut the sandwich on the diagonal. Hey -- what the hell is this? Did I say to cut the sandwich in quarters perpendicular to the edges? Does this look like a club sandwich to you, bitch? Good Christ!

I hereby revoke your right to make my special fried-egg-with-shrimp-and-onion-on-37-whole-grain-bread-with-avocado-chipotle-spread. Now get out of my kitchen!