INAUGURATION DAY: PRESIDENT BUSH PLEDGES TO DO
"WHATEVER THE FUCK I WANT"

WASHINGTON -- In an Inauguration Day ceremony featuring the sodomizing of a kindergarten student and the pipe wrench beating of an adorable golden retriever puppy, President George W. Bush promised the country he will spend his second term "doing whatever the fuck I want."

"The American people spoke on November 2," said Bush, "and they stated clearly that, in spite of the shocking incompetence and glaring cronyism that marred my first term, they wanted to give me and my administration of blind loyalists and ideological hacks a mandate to do... well, whatever we fucking well please."

As a symbol of his mandate, Bush spent the next several minutes laughing and throwing darts at an elderly woman chained to a wall.

"You see?" Bush said, wiping his ass with an American flag. "I did that just because I fucking felt like it. Now check this out: I hate Jews. I mean, I don't really, but it's kind of cool to be able to say things like that without fear of political consequences."

"Seriously, though," Bush added, "Jews are going to Hell."

Bush outlined his agenda for the coming year, which includes: urinating on the Vietnam Veterans Memorial; conducting the State of the Union address entirely in farts; starring in an interracial pornographic movie; taking Supreme Court justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg as his mistress; writing homophobia into the Consitution; creating enormous deficits through out-of-control spending and irresponsible tax cuts; and starting a wasteful, destructive, counterproductive war on the flimsiest of evidence against a country only tenuously connected to the greater struggle against terror.

"God bless America," Bush concluded. "Oh, and I fucked your mom."

+posted by Lawrence @ 1/19/2005 10:29:00 PM