[Scroll down to read today's post. It's in a table, and it adds a bunch of blank lines for some reason.]

KILGORE TROUT'S MASTURBATION FANTASY SHOWDOWN II

OR ?

Rana Hussein, daughter of deposed Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein

--- versus ---

Samia Shoaib, bit actress in Pi ("Next Door Neighbor"), The Sixth Sense ("Young Woman Buying Ring"), and Requiem for a Dream ("Nurse")

	RANA	Edge	SAMIA
Age	35	<===	34
Hair	The color of a mysterious raven in the night sky at the blackest hour before dawn.	<==>	Like Rana's.
Wears dresses from JC Penney?	Yeah yeah yeah yeah	<===	Will have to start, if this community theater check doesn't clear.
Pickup line	"I heard your dad killed your husband. So... you're single, right?"	===>	"I think it should have been you doing that orgy scene in Requiem for a Dream instead of Jennifer Connelly."
Obstacle to seduction	Doesn't speak English, lives in Jordan under the protection of King Abdullah II, gave her last condom to Queen Noor.	===>	Has to get up early for an audition to play "Woman in Elevator #3" in Darren Aronofsky's next film.
Must pretend to be interested in...	How her father "has so many feelings" and "was very tender."	===>	How she was supposed to play Bruce Willis' wife in The Sixth Sense, until that bitch Olivia Williams spread her legs for M. Night Shyamalan.
The close	"Let's go to my place and commit an act of biological terrorism."	===>	"Let's go to my place and pretend that you're Olivia Williams and I'm M. Night Shyamalan."
Pillow talk	Would nickname my testicles "Uday" and "Qusay."	<===	She never wanted to be an actress. She always dreamed of becoming a meteorologist, but her father -- a Shakespearean thespian -- pushed her to succeed where he had fallen short. When she asked to go to science camp, her father gave her Method acting lessons and a copy of A Streetcar Named Desire. Once, during one of his drunken rages, he took away her hygrometer and her windchill chart and forced her to burn them in the backyard while reciting Kate's lines from The Taming of the Shrew. He died in 1997, wasted away by cirrhosis of the liver. He never told her he was proud of her. She watches the Weather Channel sometimes, and she cries. She cries for what she lost, and for what might have been.
Non sequitur	"Your brain's... got the... shell on it."	<===	"Kris Kross will make ya -- jump! Jump!"
Kinky secret	Ask her "Who's your daddy?" and find out.	<===	Likes to recite Kate's lines from The Taming of the Shrew while being penetrated from behind.

+posted by Lawrence @ 12/13/2004 10:01:00 PM