[Scroll down to read today's post. It's in a table, and it adds a bunch of blank lines for some reason.]

KILGORE TROUT'S MASTURBATION FANTASY SHOWDOWN

   OR    ?

Laura Freeman, founder and president of Laura's Lean Beef Company

--- versus ---

Stacey Donaldson, weather anchor on "Good Day Colorado"

	LAURA	Edge	STACEY
Age	48?	<===	35
Hair	Brown, like cow shit.	<===	Radiant like the sun on a bright spring afternoon, when clouds wander the sky, birds fill the air with the song of returning life, and a cold front sweeps down from Canada to collide with warm air from the Pacific, creating a 50% chance of precipitation by tomorrow afternoon.
Suspiciously white teeth?	Glistening like the day's first light on new-fallen snow, gleaming like hope in the eyes of a child, glittering like the brightest stars in the heavens from whence she came.	<==>	Yes
Nerdy/slutty glasses?	No	===>	Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
Pickup line	"You look prettier in a denim shirt than most women look totally naked."	===>	"If you think I'm impressed because you're a local TV personality, then you're fucked in the head!"
Obstacle to seduction	Lifelong exposure to bull penises has left her unimpressed with human male genitalia.	<===	Only sleeps with men who can assist her in her meteoric rise to The Weather Channel.
Must pretend to be interested in...	Sustainable agriculture.	===>	Her budding acting career.
The close	"Want to go back to my place for some extra-thick and juicy tube steak?"	===>	"The barometer in my pants is at 7¼ inches and rising."
Pillow talk	Falling beef prices.	<===	She never wanted to be a meteorologist. She always dreamed of becoming a ballerina, but her father -- a failed weather forecaster -- pushed her to succeed where he had fallen short. When she asked for dance lessons, her father gave her a hygrometer and a wind velocity gauge. Once, during one of his drunken rages, he took away her leotards and toe shoes and forced her to burn them in the backyard while reciting the formulas for calculating windchill and dew point. He died in 1997, wasted away by cirrhosis of the liver. He never told her he was proud of her. She watches the ballet sometimes, and she cries. She cries for what she lost, and for what might have been.
Lost her virginity...	At age 16, in the hayloft, to a mulleted farmhard named "Dwayne."	===>	Junior year of high school, in the back seat of a 1979 Dodge Dart, to Mr. Swenson, the Science Club advisor.
Non sequitur	"Bibles don't wear shirts."	<===	"You sunk my Scrabbleship!"
Kinky secret	Likes to use the cattle prod.	<===	Likes to recite the formulas for calculating windchill and dew point while being penetrated from behind.

+posted by Lawrence @ 11/14/2004 11:58:00 AM