KILGORE TROUT FAILS

DENVER -- Failure has once again shaken the life of Kilgore Trout, sources reported Thursday.

"It appears as though the epicenter of the failure was an ice cream store on 16th Street Mall," said Doug Richards of the Federal Emergency Management Agency, the federal agency responsible for tracking the failures of Kilgore Trout. "We measured today's failure as a 4.4 on the Failure Magnitude Scale -- a failure of average strength, with moderate public embarrassment accompanied by some erosion of self-esteem and slight long-term confidence damage."

Denver resident Myrna Walker witnessed the failure, which happened at 6:33 p.m. "I've been through plenty of Kilgore Trout failures -- that's just part of living in Denver," she said. "But I still cringe a little every time. Especially this time, where he tried to walk away and act like nothing happened. Man, we saw you."

According to Richards, yesterday's failure was the 1,822nd of Trout's adult life, but it was by no means the most severe. "Goodness, no," chuckled Richards. "I'll never forget the Great College Dropout Failure of '94. We estimated that one at a 9.6, but nobody knows for sure -- our equipment at the time couldn't accurately measure a failure that powerful."

FEMA officials are already warning Denver residents to prepare for Trout's next failure, which they believe will take place Saturday afternoon at SuperTarget.

+posted by Lawrence @ 11/05/2004 01:06:00 AM