FOLLIES IN MARKETING, VOL. 7

• During my trip to Morocco, we went to see the spectacular waterfall at Ozoud. At the bottom of the falls, you can hire a boat -- a raft, really -- to take you out into the middle of the lake for a better photo opportunity.
  
  If there's a worse name for a boat than what this fellow chose, I can't think of it. What, was Hindenberg taken? Although it would have been worth a dirham to stand in the boat and shout "I'm the king of the world!"
  
  
• I work in the Accounts Receivable department at my company. (In fact, I am the Accounts Receivable department at my company.) I call the companies that haven't paid their invoices and ask them politely to send us money. As such, I get a lot of calls from collection agency salesmen who want nothing more from their brief stay on this mortal coil than to explain to me how their company's crack corps of trained professional collectors can enhance our bottom line.
  
  It's easy to tell when a salesman is calling, because they don't introduce themselves right away and they laugh a lot in inappropriate places:

  "Hello, Kilgore -- is it Kilgore? Ha ha ha! How are you doing today, Kilgore? Ha ha! Oh, I'm doing wonderfully, thanks for asking! Ha ha ha! Well, Kilgore, my name is Dave Davidson from ABC Collections, and we are the leading..."

  I hang up at this point. Invariably. No "thanks for calling, but we're not interested" or "I'm kind of busy right now, can you send me a brochure?" or any other warning of any kind. I just hang up.
  
  Right now you are saying, "That's fairly rude of you, Kilgore, and not terribly professional either. These guys might be annoying, but they're just doing their job."
  
  Look: these guys call me unbidden to offer us a service we don't need and that would put me out of a job. What's the point of staying on the phone one second longer than necessary? If I try to get away politely, I'll have to waste several minutes offering objections and listening to their canned responses and bad jokes. I know it stings to get hung up on, but since we're not going to hire them, I'm saving their time as well as my own, and anyway if they can't take rejection then they shouldn't work in sales.
  
  One of these jokers called me yesterday, and as soon as he identified himself as a collection agency salesman, I hung up as usual. A few seconds later, the phone rang again. I knew it was the salesman calling back, so I let the phone ring. A moment later, the red light on the phone lit up, indicating that the salesman had left me a voicemail. This happens sometimes. Usually the salesman leaves a half-wounded, half-peevish message wondering how we got disconnected and asking me to call back so we can discuss the wonderful opportunity he was placed on this planet to present to lost, misguided businesses such as ours who do our own collections.
  
  The message I got yesterday was slightly more than half-peevish. Here's exactly how it went:

  "Just like I thought, you weren't going to answer. You must be the biggest coward on the face of the Earth. Let me guess, you're voting for Kerry. Nice work, scumbag."

  Yes -- scumbag. Don't believe me? Listen to a WAV clip here.
  
  
• How is it possible that not one person, in the process of designing this sign, knew how to spell "strictly"? How is it possible that the sign painter didn't know how to spell "strictly" either? How is it possible that my ability to spell "strictly" has not gained me fame, vast fortunes of gold and jewels, power over many nations, and the erotic affections of Maura Tierney? Our priorities in this country are so screwed up.

+posted by Lawrence @ 11/03/2004 11:55:00 PM