THINGS THAT NEED TO GO AWAY RIGHT NOW, VOL. 15
(World Series edition)

• I guess this will seem picky and grouchy now, seeing as how last night the Red Sox exorcised eighty-six years of demons, reversed the curse, put right the ravages wrought by Bill Buckner and Bucky Dent and Enos Slaughter, anally raped Babe Ruth, etc., but look at this photo of Red Sox third baseman Bill Mueller committing one of his three errors in Game 2 of the World Series. Do you notice anything unusual? Note to Bill: Yeah, you guys won that game and swept the series, and nobody's trying to take away your gum, but dammit! can you not blow bubbles while the ball is in play, please?
  
  
• During the eighth inning of Game 3, with Boston leading 4-0 and Red Sox second baseman Mark Bellhorn at the plate, Fox cut away to the outfield stands, where roving "reporter" Chris Myers "interviewed" "Leon," a character in a series of mildly funny Budweiser commercials.
  
  In case you weren't paying attention to the previous paragraph, allow me to clarify that Fox did not place this "interview" between innings, or during a pitching change, or during a conference on the mound, or any other such break in the action. They placed the "interview" -- really a painfully unfunny beer commercial cum comedy sketch -- during an at-bat in the late innings of a World Series game where the outcome was still very much in doubt, given the regular-season potency of the St. Louis bats.
  
  Salon's King Kaufman said it better than I can: "I guess [the "Leon" "interview" is] easier and cheaper than knocking on the door of every single baseball fan in the world and slapping them in the face, but it amounts to the same thing."
  
  Fox doesn't understand baseball, its fans, or the subtle rhythms of the game. How else to explain the endless animated gimmickry -- the bright flashes and sound effects when a run scores, the pitch speed indicator bursting into flames, the little AOL stick figure throwing a ball or swinging a bat to introduce an instant replay... hey, Fox, I turned on the World Series to watch baseball, not cartoons, okay? How else to explain the constant cutting away from the field to show random fans eating hot dogs or staring vacantly into space? How else to explain the extreme closeups on Julian Tavarez's acne scars? How else to explain the unholy apparition that is Jeanne Zelasko?
  
  Fox apparently wants to build the largest audience it can by catering to casual sports fans and ignoring hardcore baseball nuts, who wouldn't miss the Series if it was produced by MTV and broadcast in Arabic on Al Jazeera. Well, here's an idea, Fox: instead of showing fans picking their noses in the stands between pitches, why not show some porn? Let's say Pedro throws a changeup to Albert Pujols for a called strike one. Then, while Pedro fiddles with the rosin bag and Pujols takes practice swings outside the batter's box, you could show Janine Lindemulder's head between Jenna Jameson's thighs, or maybe some scenes from Behind the Green Door. I bet those casual sports fans would eat that right up!
  
  When is Fox's postseason contract up? Mark the date on the calendar, because there will be a party at Kilgore Trout's house when October baseball moves to a network that might respect the grand old game.
  
  
• I didn't watch the postgame ceremony. Why would I? One minute I'm watching the finest athletes in the world struggle to capture the ultimate prize in their sport, and the next minute I'm watching pasty rich guys in suits hogging the trophy and pretending to appreciate the fans while silently plotting to jack their ticket prices the next season.
  
  Then there's the enlightening interviews:

  Q: You just won the World Series! How are you feeling right now?
  
  A: Oh, it feels great! I just have to thank God, and praise him... um... it's great, it's awesome, you know? I mean, it's great!

  Well, sure. When a guy has just won a world championship, and he's jumping around and whooping and hollering and hugging his teammates and spraying champagne all over the place, it's not hard to figure that he's happy, you know? I don't need Jeanne Zelasko shoving a microphone in the guy's face to confirm the fact.
  
  The only postgame ceremony that's worth a damn in American major league sports is the NHL's presentation of the Stanley Cup to -- get this -- the players, who fought and sweated and shed blood to gain the right to hoist the holiest grail in sports. Baseball and football and basketball players play to win a world championship, symbolized by a large, gaudy trophy. Hockey players, by contrast, play for the Stanley Cup itself, and to watch each player taking his turn skating alone with the Cup is genuine and moving in a way the other leagues have failed to match.

+posted by Lawrence @ 10/28/2004 11:58:00 PM