STEINBRENNER FIRES NEW YORK CITY

NEW YORK CITY -- At 12:11 am EDT Thursday morning, Boston Red Sox second baseman Pokey Reese scooped up a ground ball hit by New York Yankees pinch-hitter Ruben Sierra and tossed the ball to first baseman Doug Mientkiewicz, ending the Yankees' season. At the same time, he ended the careers of every person working in New York City.

After the Red Sox stunned the Yankees 10-3 to claim the American League pennant, Yankees owner George Steinbrenner immediately fired general manager Brian Cashman; manager Joe Torre and his entire coaching staff; the team physicians, trainers, and physical therapists; senior vice president of baseball operations Mark Newman; chief financial officer Steve Dauri; vice president of marketing Deborah A. Tymon; the rest of the front office and administrative staff; the custodial staff and the groundskeeping crew; the hot dog vendors, beer men, all other food vendors, and souvenir salespeople; the parking lot attendants and valets; the security staff; and the dopey guy with the big ears who sings "God Bless America."

While the former employees of the Yankees organization cleaned out their desks, a red-faced and bellowing Steinbrenner found a New York City telephone directory and set about firing everybody in the metropolitan area.

"I was pretty surprised to get a call from George Steinbrenner after the game," said Manhattan stockbroker Joe Araceli. "I tried to tell him how sorry I was that the Yankees lost, but then he said it was all my fault and fired me, and he wasn't very nice about it."

"I didn't think he could fire me, since he's not really my boss," Araceli continued. "But I guess so. I mean, he owns the Yankees."

"I got up this morning to go to work and saw I had a message on my answering machine," said Bronx plumber Rodney Aramis. "When I checked the message, it was Mr. Steinbrenner screaming, 'You're fired! You're fucking fired! Don't even bother coming in!' Then he hung up, and I went back to bed. What else could I do?"

As of press time, Steinbrenner had worked his way through the A's, B's, and C's. Experts estimate that he will finish firing every New Yorker by Friday afternoon.

"I don't think it's my fault that the Yankees became the first team in baseball history to blow a 3-0 lead in a seven-game series," said systems analyst Raul Dominguez, eyeing the phone nervously. "I mean, I was just sitting on the couch, eating chips and having a beer."

"But he's The Boss, you know?" added Dominguez.

+posted by Lawrence @ 10/20/2004 11:43:00 PM