PRESIDENTIAL ABUSE A GROWING PROBLEM

TULSA, Okla. -- Nestled on the banks of the Arkansas River, Tulsa is a quiet city of churches, tree-lined avenues, and Jeanne Tripplehorn. It is a peaceful repository of traditional values, where citizens prize self-reliance, where patriots believe in the Second Amendment, and where the blacks mostly know their place. Tulsa is a city where, if anywhere, a president should feel safe and loved.

But like many communities across the country, Tulsa faces a growing problem that it can no longer ignore. Many of its people are presidential abusers.

Take, for example, these abusive statements published by a Tulsan named "bruce" on his Internet "web log":

Plan to fight and win War on Terror®: [president's name withheld] version

Step 1) Make up shit about Saddam
Step 2) Invade Iraq, leaving country in shambles
Step 3) Fail to secure weapons and bomb making material
Step 4) Pretend like everything went great, Osama who?

® "War on Terror" is a registered trademark of [president's name withheld] Inc.

Karl Rove, national chairman of People Fighting Presidential Abuse, has harsh words for "bruce" and presidential abusers like him. "These abusers either don't understand or, even worse, don't care about the damage that their words can inflict on a young, confused president's self-esteem and mental well-being," said Rove. "The shame never goes away. Presidential abusers destroy the lives of innocent presidents, and abused presidents are ten times more likely to become presidential abusers themselves. Presidential abuse should be a crime."

"Why, for the last several years, I've been working with a president -- I'll call him W -- who has been abused every sick way you can imagine. Every day, W has to look at derogatory bumper stickers, hear talk show hosts making fun of his speaking style, see grotesque cariacatures of himself in political cartoons, and read unflattering editorials criticizing his policies. And every day, W cries and blames himself for the abuse. 'I done something wrong,' he'll say. 'I been a bad president and I deserve to die.' And I try to convince him that he's not a bad president, that the abusers are bad people, and they are the ones who deserve to die."

According to Rove, presidential abuse has always been a problem in New York, Illinois, and California, but has recently spread to areas that have traditionally supported and nurtured presidents. "Look at this map," said Rove, pointing to a map of the United States with "problem areas" colored in blue. "Ohio. Michigan. New Hampshire. Pennsylvania. Even Minnesota."

What about Oklahoma?

"Oklahoma is not our biggest problem right now," said Rove. "But still, 22 percent of Oklahomans surveyed said they intend to commit presidential abuse by voting the wrong way on November 2. I didn't have the heart to tell W about that. He would have shut himself in his room and refused to eat for a week. I can't tell you how much pain it causes a president to find out that people want someone else to be president. It would be like if your father told you he wanted someone other boy to be his son."

"What if your son struck out during a Little League game?" asked Rove, extending the analogy. "Would you go on television and denounce his batting skills? Would you say mean things about him in the newspaper? Would you go to a protest where people were carrying signs saying awful things about your son? Of course not. He's just a boy doing the best he knows how. So why do people want to make a president feel bad by blaming him for the deaths of thousands of American soldiers and Iraqi civilians, for losing jobs and driving the deficit through the roof, and for using religion and homophobia to divide the nation?"

"He's just a president doing the best he knows how."

+posted by Lawrence @ 10/26/2004 11:57:00 PM