FOLLIES IN MARKETING, VOL. 6

• Seen on the side panel of a box of Corn Flakes: "CORN USED IN THIS PRODUCT." Corn, you say? Used in the making of Corn Flakes? Gosh, do you think so?
  
  Kellogg's put the warning on the box, of course, as a hedge against lawsuits by people with corn allergies. I'm all for informing the consumer, but I think that if you have a corn allergy and you don't know enough to avoid a product called "Corn Flakes," you deserve to have an allergic reaction and die a painful death from anaphylactic shock, suffocating to death on your kitchen floor with a spilled bowl of Corn Flakes and milk congealing on the tiles next to you. Not that I'm trying to be a dick or anything.
  
  While we're on the subject of cereal, let's talk about the instructions on the top flap that tells you how to open the box. Are these necessary? Has anyone ever said, "Gosh, I sure would like a nourishing bowl of Corn Flakes, but how do I open the box? Oh, wait... there's instructions! Thank goodness. Now I can make Corn Flakes part of this balanced breakfast."
  
  Let's face it -- if you don't know how to open a box of cereal, chances are somebody is feeding the cereal to you.
  
  
• We're not done with cereal yet. While grocery shopping at SuperTarget on Saturday, I noticed that the 31-oz. boxes of Frosted Flakes were marked with colorful sales tags. "Temporary Price Cut!" said the tags. "Was $5.54, Now $4.43."
  
  Good deal, right? Well, not when 25-oz. boxes of Frosted Flakes were selling for $2.54 -- that's 10.2 cents per ounce versus 14.3 cents per ounce for the larger size on sale. (At the original price, the 31-oz. box was 17.9 cents per ounce, which is 75% more per ounce than the smaller box.) I bought a 25-oz. box and felt pretty smug. You gotta keep an eye on these fuckers or they'll rob you blind and rape your asshole.
  
  
• On Saturday night I went to the Pepsi Center to watch the Heritage Cup, a bienniel battle for world lacrosse supremacy played between Team USA and Team Canada. (Canada crushed the USA, 17-8.) Several times during the game, the scoreboard showed an ad for Mammoth Unleashed, a documentary film about the 2004 Colorado Mammoth, our local National Lacrosse League franchise. (Watch the trailer here.) As the scoreboard flashed images of Mammoth players scoring goals and engaging in locker room hijinks, the voiceover guy intoned, "Mammoth Unleashed reveals the heart and soul of the National Lacrosse League's most prolific franchise."
  
  Prolific? Do Danielle Steel and Stephen King play for the Colorado Mammoth now? Try as I might, I could find nothing in definition of "prolific" that might apply to a lacrosse team, especially one that has managed to manufacture ways to lose in the Champion's Cup semifinals every year stretching back to the Cenozoic Era.
  
  At one point, in an attempt to whip the crowd in a jingoistic fervor, the sound guys played "Born in the U.S.A." When will people realize that "Born in the U.S.A." is not a patriotic song?* Read the lyrics -- "Born in the U.S.A." is about a guy born into a shit life who goes to Vietnam to avoid prison, loses a buddy there, and can't find a job after the war. Yeesh. Didn't anyone bring a Lee Greenwood CD?
  
  *Best guess: As soon as people realize that "YMCA," also played at the Heritage Cup, is a song about gay sex.
  
  
• On my way to SuperTarget yesterday, I drove through Cherry Creek and spotted a disheveled middle aged man with stringy gray hair, wearing large greasy glasses and a hunting cap, holding a homemade sign on which he had scrawled, "KERRY THROWS LIKE A GIRL." I caught a glimpse of the reverse side: "BUSH 04, CONDI 08." The man was waving cheerfully and giving the "V" sign to motorists and passersby. I have got to start carrying my camera everywhere I go.

+posted by Lawrence @ 10/17/2004 11:59:00 PM