A couple of weeks ago, Major League Baseball announced that it had tired of screwing the baseball fans of Quebec and would be moving the Montreal Expos to Washington, D.C., where it plans to immediately start screwing the cash-strapped District out of $400 million to build a new stadium. Don't worry, D.C. residents! I'm certain the players on your new team will be delighted to police your streets and teach your kids how to read when they aren't playing baseball.

Anyway, the team needs a new name, and our nation's crack corps of snickering sportswriters, never ones to pass up an easy laugh, got right to the task of making predictably silly suggestions. Salon's King Kaufman, who usually knows better than to reach for this kind of cheap joke, suggested the Washington Filibusters or the Washington RICOs. ESPN.com's Jayson Stark, who doesn't know any better at all, thinks the Washington Cannot Tell A Lies or Washington Tax Cutters will make you squirt milk out your nose. It took Michael Wilbon of the Washington Post to write a sensible column on the matter:

There are only four reasonable choices for the name of the new Washington Baseball Club: Senators, Nationals (if they play in the National League), Americans (if they play in the American League) and Grays. That's it, that's the list. Anything else is a waste of time to even consider, even the Monuments.

Wilbon goes on to argue -- rightly, I think -- for the Grays, the name of a Negro League team that played some of their games in Washington in the 1940s. It's a pity that MLB chose to move the Expos to a city with a previous baseball history, because it nearly forces the resurrection of a previous team name instead of allowing the invention of a brand new name, easily the most exciting stage of development for a new team.

How to name a new team? I have a few ideas:

• Don't worry about keeping it local. Whenever a team needs a new name, most ideas get culled from the home region's culture, major industries, geographic features, history, native animal species, famous deceased residents, dietary habits, sexual perversions, or whatever. Of the 122 MLB, NBA, NHL, and NFL teams, almost half (57) have names related to their home city or state:

  Miami Dolphins
  Buffalo Bills
  New England Patriots
  Baltimore Ravens (named to honor famed resident Edgar Allan Poe)
  Pittsburgh Steelers
  Cleveland Browns (named after coach Paul Brown)
  Houston Texans
  Dallas Cowboys
  Green Bay Packers (named for the Indian Packing Co., an early sponsor)
  Minnesota Vikings
  San Francisco 49ers
  Detroit Pistons
  Miami Heat
  New York Knickerbockers (a knickerbocker is a New Yorker)
  Boston Celtics
  Philadelphia 76ers
  Orlando Magic (Walt Disney World -- the Magic Kingdom -- is in Orlando)
  Minnesota Timberwolves
  Los Angeles Lakers (originally the Minnesota Lakers)
  San Antonio Spurs
  Memphis Grizzlies (originally the Vancouver Grizzlies)
  Dallas Mavericks
  Houston Rockets
  Denver Nuggets
  Utah Jazz (originally the New Orleans Jazz)
  Portland Trail Blazers
  Phoenix Suns
  Seattle SuperSonics
  New Jersey Devils (the New Jersey Devil is a legendary monster)
  New York Islanders
  Montreal Canadiens
  Ottawa Senators
  Toronto Maple Leafs
  Carolina Hurricanes
  Florida Panthers
  Washington Capitals
  St. Louis Blues
  Colorado Avalanche
  Edmonton Oilers
  Minnesota Wild
  Vancouver Canucks
  Mighty Ducks of Anaheim (another goddam Disney name)
  Phoenix Coyotes
  New York Yankees
  Baltimore Orioles
  Tampa Bay Devil Rays
  Minnesota Twins
  Texas Rangers
  Seattle Mariners
  Philadelphia Phillies
  Florida Marlins
  New York Metropolitans
  Montreal Expos (after Expo 67, a world's fair held in Montreal)
  Houston Astros
  Milwaukee Brewers
  Colorado Rockies
  Arizona Diamondbacks

  Is it really necessary, though, to go native when naming a team? Some of the best and most venerable sports team nicknames have nothing to do with the areas where they're located: the Boston Red Sox, the Cincinnati Reds, the Chicago White Sox, the Chicago Cubs, the Boston Bruins, the Detroit Red Wings, the Detroit Lions, the Chicago Bulls [oops, see comments]. When it came time to rename Chicago's NFL franchise in 1922 (then known as the Staleys), did they choose "Bears" to represent Chicago or Illinois or some such? No -- they chose "Bears" because "the Chicago Bears" sounds like a bunch of bad-ass motherfuckers.
  
  Trying too hard to keep it local can result in forced, uninspiring team names, like the Colorado Rockies or the Florida Marlins. When Charlotte's expansion NBA franchise was auditioning names, one of the three finalists was "Flight," an awful name intended to commemorate the Wright Brothers' flight at Kitty Hawk. (Charlotte settled instead on the less-awkward but certainly tepid "Bobcats.") When picking a team name, go for ring and rhythm over native authenticity.



• Don't pick something stupid. You might think this goes without saying, but it didn't stop Houston from naming their expansion NFL franchise the "Texans." Houston is the fourth-largest city in the country, with over five million people living in its metropolitan area, and the best anybody could come up with is was the common name for people who live in their state? What, was "Houstonians" taken already? Good grief.
  
  Another stupid name is the Toronto Raptors, a name foolishly chosen in 1994 to capitalize on the popularity of the 1993 movie Jurassic Park. Well, a decade later, Jurassic Park just isn't that popular any more. With each passing year, more people forget that "raptor" is supposed to be short for "velociraptor" (it actually means "bird of prey"), and the team's name has not aged well. At least they changed their dominant uniform color from light purple to red.
  
  
• Avoid the singular. This obnoxious 90s trend appears to have fizzled out, but in its wake it left us the Miami Heat, the Minnesota Wild, the Orlando Magic, the Tampa Bay Lightning, the Colorado Avalanche, and the previously existing Utah Jazz. The National Lacrosse League is lousy with singular team names: the Colorado Mammoth, the San Jose Stealth, the Arizona Sting, the Anaheim Storm, and the Toronto Rock (easily the worst team name in pro sports). These are all bad names, though, so let's hold the line -- keep your team's name plural, please.



• Take the road less traveled. In the four major sports leagues (we will do the NHL the courtesy of continuing to pretend it is "a major sports league"), only six teams -- the New York Giants, the San Francisco Giants, the Tennessee Titans, the New Jersey Devils, the Anaheim Angels, and the Washington Wizards -- are drawn from the realms of fantasy, legend, myth, or horror. Think of the wealth of possible names: the Centaurs, the Hydras, the Goblins, the Gorgons, the Ghosts, the Phantoms, the Ringwraiths. (Well, maybe not the Ringwraiths.) If I could have named our lacrosse team, I would have picked "Colorado Cyclops" or "Denver Demons." And how is it possible that there are no teams called the Dragons?
  
  Likewise, only the New Orleans Hornets and the Columbus Blue Jackets have named themselves after insects. What a waste! Where are the Wasps and the Killer Bees? Wouldn't you rather have a Minnesota Mosquitoes jersey than a Minnesota Wild jersey?

+posted by Lawrence @ 10/16/2004 11:47:00 PM