CHENEY: "VOTE REPUBLICAN OR JONES WILL COME BACK."

AKRON, OHIO -- Speaking at a VFW post in Akron, Ohio yesterday, Vice President Dick Cheney told supporters they "must vote for Bush and Cheney this November, or Jones will come back."

"Surely, my fellow Republicans," cried Cheney almost pleadingly, skipping from side to side and whisking his tail, "surely there is no one among you who wants to see Jones come back?"

Now if there was one thing that the Republicans were completely certain of, it was that they did not want Jones back. When it was put to them in this light, they had nothing to say.

Cheney also explained that, according to new documents just discovered, it was Snowball who destroyed the windmill. "He was in league with Jones from the beginning," said Cheney. "Did we not see for ourselves how he attempted -- fortunately without success -- to get us defeated and destroyed at the Battle of the Cowshed?"

The Republicans were stupefied by this statement. "I do not believe that," said one veteran. "Wasn't it Mr. Frederick and his men who destroyed the windmill? And Snowball fought bravely at the Battle of the Cowshed. I saw him myself. Did we not give him a Silver Star and a Purple Heart immediately afterwards?"

"That was our mistake," said Cheney. "In fact, it was our heroic President who fought most bravely and was wounded at the Battle of the Cowshed. Snowball was always Jones' agent, and he has been plotting with Mr. Frederick to hand the United States over to Pinchfield Farm! Our courageous leader, President George W. Bush, has stated this categorically, my fellow Republicans," said Cheney, frisking from side to side.

"Ah, that is different!" said the veteran, nodding in agreement. "If President Bush says it, it must be right."

"That is the true spirit, my fellow Republican!" cried Cheney, but it was noticed he cast a very ugly look at the veteran with his little twinkling eyes. He added: "I warn every one of you to keep your eyes very wide open. For we have reason to think that some of Snowball's secret agents are lurking among us at this moment!" The large dogs with their brass studded collars stationed to either side of the vice president growled and showed their side teeth.

The rally ended with the chanting of "Republicans good, Democrats bad!" Afterward, Cheney retired to the farmhouse for a dinner of mash with apples and milk mixed in.

+posted by Lawrence @ 10/04/2004 11:58:00 PM