THINGS I WISH I KNEW

• When I'm trying to impress women by bragging about how many countries I've visited, am I allowed to include countries where I've only been to the airport? For example, if I were taking a trip to Morocco in September that included stops in Madrid and Amsterdam, could I later brag about having visited Spain and Holland? If so, what about countries where I've flown through their airspace? How about countries whose capitals and principal exports I can identify with only a few hints?
  
  
• What is the line of demarcation between an apartment and a condominium? Is a condominium just a nice apartment, or is it an apartment that you own? At the age of thirty, should I be outgrowing apartments the way I outgrew breastfeeding and my security blanket? At what point should I consider myself a failure for not owning property?
  
  
• When I pass somebody walking the opposite direction in the hallway at work, and I nod and smile, how much longer do I have to keep smiling after the other person passes? If I stop smiling right away, is that merely circumstantial evidence that I'm a phony, or does that clinch the case? But if I walk around the office smiling for no apparent reason, will my colleagues think I'm a "space cadet" or a "spazz"? Can a person in my barely-higher-than-yard-waste position genuinely have "colleagues," or does that require a college degree?
  
  
• Who makes up jokes? By "jokes," I don't mean "wry commentary" -- I mean How do you pick up women in Waco, Texas?* or A priest, a rabbi, and a Hare Krishna walk into a bar... Have you ever created one of these jokes from scratch? Have any of your friends ever called you up and said, "Hey! I just made up this new joke! What's the difference between a woman and mashed potatoes?**" Me neither, so what is the source of this endless supply of jokes?
  *With a Dustbuster.
  **Mashed potatoes don't make their own gravy.
  
  
• Why do I claim to enjoy meeting smart, clever, funny people, but when I actually meet such people, I feel threatened and inadequate? On a related note: why do I claim to enjoy reading smart, funny, well-written blogs, but when I actually read such blogs, I'm overwhelmed by feelings of envy and ineptitude?
  
  
• Why do some people attach battering rams to the grills of their already hulking trucks and SUVs? Do these people plan to use their vehicles as seige weapons in case Al Qaeda commandeers the Denver Public Library? Or do they hope that, in a head-on collision with my Honda Accord with flawless leather interior, I will end up completely decapitated instead of only paralyzed from the neck down?
  
  
• When I go into my apartment building's laundry room, and some apparently svelte young lady leaves her clothes on top of one of the dryers, and I take an extra moment to visually examine her thong constructed of maybe 2½ square inches of fabric, is that wrong, or merely creepy?
  
  
• Muslims are supposed to face Mecca when they pray, but in which direction do they pray when they're in Mecca? No matter which direction they face, their line of sight passes through Mecca, so do they get to face any way they please? Do other Muslims envy the Muslims who live in Mecca for the ease with which they pray? Do Muslims who live in Mecca get embarrassed when they travel outside of Mecca because they're unused to locating Mecca, and have to fumble with a compass or GPS locator or whatever? And what happens when Muslims pray in the wrong direction? Do you get the opposite of what you pray for? Or does Allah just shake his head and say, "You know, I can't understand a word this guy is saying"?

+posted by Lawrence @ 8/18/2004 11:33:00 PM