RICK SANTORUM ASKS BARNEY FRANK IF HE'S A HOMO

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Egged on by a group of giggling legislators, a blushing U.S. Sen. Rick Santorum (R-Pa.) asked openly gay U.S. Rep. Barney Frank (D-Mass.) if he was a "homo," sources reported Thursday.

The incident took place Thursday afternoon during lunch in the Capitol cafeteria. Witnesses reported hearing a group of Republican lawmakers laughing and making lewd references to Frank's sexual orientation.

"I heard he's a huge fag," U.S. Sen. Wayne Allard (R-Colo.) said. "I heard he likes to, like, kiss guys with his tongue, and do weird stuff with them that you're only supposed to do with girls."

U.S. Rep. Henry Hyde (R-Ill.) then said that he has caught Frank "staring at my butt when I go up to speak."

"He likes guys' butts," Hyde reportedly elaborated. "He wants to pull your pants down and, like, get a boner and stick it in your butt."

At this point, observers reported that the group dissolved into shrieks and laughter. U.S. Rep. Jim Nussle (R-Ia.) and U.S. Rep. Sam Brownback (R-Kan.) pretended to kiss while saying "Oh, Barney!" in falsetto voices. U.S. Sen. James Inhofe (R-Okla.) got up from his seat and started "humping" the table in a crude simulation of anal sex.

Santorum, according to witnesses, did not participate in the fun, but stared in shock at his tater tots and sloppy joe sandwich. "Can guys really do that with each other?" he asked.

Santorum's esteemed colleagues immediately began to encourage the junior senator from Pennsylvania to approach Frank, who was eating lunch with a group of Democrats across the cafeteria. Santorum refused, even when "dared" and "double dared," but relented under pressure when Nussle called him a "pussy" and U.S. Sen. Trent Lott (R-Miss.) "double-dog dared" him and offered a half-pint of chocolate milk as a reward.

Santorum walked slowly across the room, stopping twice to look back at his fellow Republican legislators, who urged him forward. Santorum finally reached Frank's table, where he stood blushing until Frank noticed him and said, "Hello, Rick. Can I help you with something?"

"Hey, Barney," Santorum said, "um... are you, like, a homo?"

"Well, 'homo' is a derogatory term," said Frank, "but I am a gay man, yes."

"Do you like to make your dick all hard and stick in guys' butts and mouths and stuff?" blurted Santorum.

"That's not any of your business," replied Frank, "but I will say that my partner and I have a normal sex life for gay men our age."

Santorum then turned around and ran back to his table with his hands clapped over his mouth. "He is! He is! He said he's gay! He says he does it in guys' butts! He called some guy his 'partner'!" he said.

The table erupted into giggles, with several of the lawmakers miming fellatio by moving their fists near their open mouths and poking their tongues into their cheeks. A lively debate ensued about the identity of Frank's "partner," with U.S. Sen. Tom Harkin (D-Ia.) a popular suspect.

As of press time, it could not be confirmed that Lott had promised Hyde a nickel if he walked right up to Harkin and said, "Hi, Mrs. Frank."

+posted by Lawrence @ 8/20/2004 12:05:00 AM