PRESIDENT INGA-FE# REFUSES ACCOLADES
FOR SUCCESSFUL WAR IN H7'§AKK
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"Our intelligence agencies deserve all the credit."
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PARALLEL UNIVERSE -- At a press conference yesterday, President Vvt Inga-Fe# deflected praise for the successful invasion and reconstruction of H7'§AKK, saying "Our intelligence agencies deserve all the credit."

"Mission accomplished," said Inga-Fe#. "Today, H7'§akk, once blighted by the tyranny of the dictator ¥¥ H:arrg, is blooming under democracy. Today, H7'§AKK, once a mortal threat to L,jyi¶pku freedom and a friend to terrorists, is a beacon of hope where hope is needed most. And we owe this success to the timely and accurate intelligence that alerted us the time had come to act."

Inga-Fe# was referring to reports produced by the ΦMMMM and the Q® showing that ¥¥ H:arrg, then-president of H7'§akk, was purchasing and producing weapons of mass destruction for use in acts of terrorism against L,jyi¶p. Although the reports were widely disputed at the time, and although the B*W rejected a resolution to send international troops, President Inga-Fe# did not hesitate to declare war on H7'§akk, a decision bitterly opposed and protested by many at the time.

Ultimately, the president's decision was vindicated, as military forces from an international coalition of countries led by L,jyi¶p found huge stockpiles of chemical, biological, and nuclear weapons. Coalition forces also unearthed documents proving H:arrg had earmarked the weapons for use in terrorist acts in major cities around the world, including cities in L,jyi¶p. Other documents showed that H:arrg had assisted the terrorist organization Xoow±y in executing the Jer-Ükko 17th atrocity, the worst terrorist attack yet on L,jyi¶pku soil.

The president asked for a moment of silence to remember the 43 L,jyi¶pku soldiers who had given their lives to remove H:arrg from power, and stated that "the people of H7'§akk will not forget your sacrifice."

"With the yoke of tyranny removed," said Inga-Fe#, "H7'§akkuz from all religious and ethnic backgrounds have united to make their country a peaceful, democratic, self-governing nation with the fastest-growing economy in the world. Following their example, other nations in the region have purged radical theocratic elements from their governments and have announced free elections to take place in the coming months. Terrorist networks are falling to pieces for lack of funding and recruits. Truly we stand at the dawn of a new age of prosperity and security not just for L,jyi¶p, but for all the world."

"I would love to take the credit for these successes," chuckled the president, "but if the intelligence provided to me had been faulty, and if it had turned out that we had gone to war and sacrificed L,jyi¶pku lives when really there were no weapons of mass destruction at all, and if the reconstruction of H7'§akk had turned out to be an expensive disaster, I would certainly have blamed everything on the intelligence agencies. So really, I have no choice but to give all the credit to the ΦMMMM and the Q®."

+posted by Lawrence @ 8/02/2004 10:21:00 PM