From National Review Online:

Witness all those T-shirted "Fire Fighters for Kerry" you saw at the convention. A little soft around the middle some of them were, weren't they? Do you think some of them could haul a hose pack up 50 flights of stairs? I'm not betting on it. ...

Granted, some firefighters, even some who actually fight fires, will no doubt vote for Kerry. So will some cops. But most will vote for President Bush. ... Unlike John Kerry, they don't find "nuance" in every question that confronts them. ...

Second, cops and firefighters are, if the women in the ranks will forgive the expression, Regular Guys. They drink beer, not wine, and certainly not French wine. They played football and baseball in high school, not lacrosse. ... Regular Guys do not blame Secret Service agents (who are Regular Guys) for knocking them down on the ski slopes, especially when those agents are there to take bullets for them. And Regular Guys relate to and prefer the company of other Regular Guys; they do not invite people like Leonardo DiCaprio and Ben Affleck to their conventions.

Even with the piles of dough they're sitting on, both George Bush and Dick Cheney still come across as Regular Guys, the kind of men you might find hanging around the fire station or the detective squad room. And with his recent suggestion to Pat Leahy on how he might spend his idle time, the vice president climbed several notches on the Regular Guy scale. And whatever tenuous grip [Kerry] may have had on Regular Guy status since [Vietnam] was lost when he married his current wife. ...Regular Guys do not under any circumstances marry women like Teresa Heinz Kerry.

(Via We Don't Need No Stinking Capital Letters.)

There's a table below with a bunch of silly stuff in it. I'm too stupid to make all these blank lines go away. You try making a table out of raw HTML code, asshole.

KILGORE TROUT: REGULAR GUY?

Evidence Against	Evidence For
Drinks wine, occasionally even French wine.	Drinks Budweiser straight from the bottle.
Wants to sleep with French actresses Nathalie Baye and Sophie Marceau, who are automatically evil, being from France.	Would make French actresses Nathalie Baye and Sophie Marceau sleep in the wet spot and cook breakfast in the morning. Would tell Mme. Baye "I said I wanted this bacon crisp, beeyotch!"
Ran cross-country in high school instead of playing football.	Played Little League baseball. Once hit a pseudo-home-run when opposing fielders overthrew all four bases. Also played youth hockey and served time in the penalty box.
Finds "nuance" in complex questions of foreign policy. Advocates thinking of better answers to these questions than reflexively launching balls-to-the-wall invasions costing hundreds of American lives plus tens of billions of dollars tacked onto the national debt.	Dismisses out of hand the possibility that Meet The Fockers will be a watchable movie.
Thought Leonardo DiCaprio and Ben Affleck were pretty good in This Boy's Life and Good Will Hunting, respectively.	Would gladly burn every existing copy of The Beach and Armageddon.
Quiet and hesitant in conversation.	Says "fuck" a lot, just like Regular Guy Dick Cheney.
Desperately wants to fuck Teresa Heinz Kerry.	Desperately wants a messy ménage à trois with the Bush twins while the First Lady watches and reads out loud from the Book of Leviticus.
Lacrosse fan. Wonders if the writer of the above article wants to explain to 6-foot-2, 220-pound Colorado Mammoth defenseman Dave Stilley that this seemingly rough-and-tumble contact sport is actually a game for sissies.	Baseball fan. Takes his glove to Colorado Rockies games.
Is a bit skeptical that firefighters carry hose packs up 50 flights of stairs. Don't these guys have ladders? Also wants to see the sophisticated statistical analysis establishing the negative correlation between "number of fires actually fought" and "support for John Kerry."	Has run 50 miles.
If ever knocked down on the ski slopes by Secret Service agents, will sue those motherfuckers for everything they've got.	Does not actually ski.
Was previously unaware that Regular Guys not employed by the fire department or the police department were allowed to hang around the fire station or detective squad room. Is thinking about stopping by the detective squad room after work tomorrow to check out the action. Will make sure to take a case of beer and some footballs to toss around, seeing as how all those Regular Guys spent time on the gridiron in high school.	Hangs around elementary school playgrounds. You know, in case any of the kids need help with their homework.
Thinks that human beings are too complicated to divide into neat groups like "Regular Guys" and "Fuckin' Pussies." Supposes that firefighters and police officers make political decisions based on factors other than preferred alcoholic beverage, and will display a diversity of political opinion on Election Day.	Hates everybody.

Is Kilgore Trout a Regular Guy or a Fuckin' Pussy? Cast your votes in the comments!

+posted by Lawrence @ 8/08/2004 11:55:00 PM