ART ENDS

Ten thousand years of human creative expression ground to a halt last weekend, as the species' millions of writers, painters, sculptors, musicians, dancers, filmmakers, actors, poets, photographers, and other artists just plumb ran out of ideas, sources reported Monday.

"I guess it's all been done," said a morose Brad Shockley, formerly lead guitarist of the now-defunct New York-based band Monkey Cunt. "I remember just a few months ago we had all these ideas about taking our music in some really radical directions, but that all sort of fizzled out. We haven't written an original song in weeks. On Saturday we were jamming and thought we had something fresh, but it turned out to be 'Louie, Louie.'"

"I guess we're all cover bands now," Shockley sighed. "Maybe I'll go get a welding certificate or something."

Some artists continue to struggle and fail to produce original work. Chicago painter Stanley Wills, known for filling huge canvases with nightmarish landscapes rendered in shocking reds and cobalt blues, now spends his days filling sketchbooks with stick figures and tracings of "Prince Valiant" cartoons. Most of the planet's creative minds, however, have accepted the surprising truth that the supply of artistic ideas is not infinite as previously thought.

"It's not so bad," said author Shirley Kunz, staring at the blank first page of her latest project, tentatively titled A Very Clever Groundbreaking Novel. "I'm just glad I had some of the good ideas before we used them all up."

In response to these developments, The U.S. Senate will vote today on a bill to abolish all arts programs and divert the funds to urban pothole maintenance. The bill has incurred little protest and is expected to pass both houses of Congress unanimously. Museums, theaters, and opera houses will remain open to display artworks already created, but galleries will slowly close their doors as they sell their inventories of original works. Movie ticket prices will fall as cineplexes either close or show recycled films.

"I don't see what the big deal is," said Las Vegas attorney Kevin Taylor. "We've got plenty of art already. It's not like there's anyone who's seen all the movies, or read all the books, or listened to every record, or looked at every painting. Why do we need new art?"

+posted by Lawrence @ 8/31/2004 11:44:00 PM