Two weeks ago, I posted about an annoying incident in which UU Wendy gave me her phone number even though she didn't want me to call. In that post, I wrote that after UU Wendy gave me the number, "I waited three days, like a good Swinger, and called Wednesday evening." That remark inspired this comment from June:

Maybe she didn't want to get involved with someone who thinks Swingers is a good guide to life. I swear I'd like to incinerate every copy of that fucking movie in existence. Along with every copy of The Rules.

Nothing intrigues me more than angry, negative outbursts, so I emailed June and asked her to expand on her comment. She wrote:

I just hate things that encourage single people to lay these stupid mindfucks on each other. Granted, Swingers is not in the same category as The Rules, since it's a fictional movie, but I have known so many guys who say they didn't call or did or didn't do this or that because of that movie.

If you like me, and had a good time with me, then fucking grow a pair and call me again. Here's a hint: Women like being called; they don't like waiting around for a call because some guy can't make his own decisions but has to rely on a retro-hip piece of crap movie from 10 years ago starring Vince Vaughan to tell him when to call, then being put in a position to call themselves, whereupon the guy will probably get all freaked out and weird because girls ain't supposed to call! Conversely, if a guy I like asks me out for Friday on a Wednesday, then doesn't resepect me because I said yes, then screw him. That's ludicrous.

I don't like the atmosphere it creates, that life is a game and the object is to snag a 1st date/2nd date/girlfriend/boyfriend/husband/wife/whatever and you must follow these idiotic rules. Granted, I'm a little different because I don't want children and I really don't give a crap if I get married or not. I'm not ruling it out but I'm not one of those women whose life won't be complete if she doesn't snag a husband. So who kows, it's entirely possible that society needs to have these arbitrary rules to function, and I'm just a freak.

June makes a good point: our love lives would get a lot simpler if everyone quit playing games. So if a guy got a girl's number and wanted to call her the next day, he could do so without the girl thinking him a loser. And a girl could accept a date -- even if the guy only called two days beforehand -- without the guy tagging her as desperate. Why not? If people like each other, they should behave accordingly. Easy, right?

Not so much. The "arbitrary rules" of which June speaks aren't arbitrary at all. Evolution has shaped us humans to find the best mates with whom to share our genes. This compulsion has led to an idiotic paradox: our interest in a potential mate is inversely proportional to our perception of his or her interest in us. The other person's interest implies a lack of potential mates, which implies undesirability. That is, if a guy calls the day after obtaining a number, he must be doing so because no other girls would give him their numbers. If no other girls would give him their numbers, he must be undesirable, and hence unsuitable for reproduction. By contrast, the guy who calls three days later must have been busy gabbing with the Olsen twins. To paraphrase Groucho Marx: "I wouldn't want to go out with someone desperate enough to ask me for a date."

So The Rules aren't arbitrary, just irrational. A woman who says yes on Thursday to a date on Friday might have plenty of suitors -- she's just particularly interested in you. Meanwhile, the lady who turned you down to flaunt her unavailability will likely spend Friday night in fuzzy slippers watching a Sandra Bullock movie on cable. And it shouldn't matter how many men she has chasing her anyway; you like her, right? But the reptilian centers of our brains dictate otherwise. Women and men use The Rules and Swingers strategies to appear interested enough to encourage prospective mates without showing too much interest and driving them off.

A lot of people don't like these rules. I know I don't. I had a delightful episode last year, when I met a smart and funny girl in a writing class. I asked for her number, and she handed it over with a smile. When I got home, I wrote the girl's number on the calendar to be called in three days. Later that night, I received this email:

Hi Kilgore, my roommate had a party tonight, and I'm pretty drunk on Hawaiian punch and vodka, so I thought I'd let you know that I want to hang out with you. If you want to hang out with me, you should call me tomorrow instead of waiting three days. Later, E!

I found this refreshing and charming, and I called E! the next day as requested. I didn't interpret her willingness to see me as desperation. But since then I've reverted to Swingers strategies, because you can't count on a girl being cool like E! was. It's an arms race out there -- if all the other guys are waiting three days, you have to wait three days or risk looking like a schmuck.

June will argue that if a woman thinks life is a game and isn't cool enough to ignore "these stupid mindfucks," she's not suitable for dating anyhow. To which I respond... um... er... it's Vince Vaughn, not Vaughan, and you also misspelled "respect," June. Jeez, get it right.

+posted by Lawrence @ 7/05/2004 11:57:00 PM