THINGS EAGERLY ANTICIPATED

• I'm looking forward to opening an envelope. On April 18, 1985, in Mr. Petersen's fifth-grade class at Jefferson Elementary School in Mason City, Iowa, a much younger Kilgore Trout placed some documents in this envelope, sealed it, and scrawled on the front, "TO BE OPENED BY KILGORE TROUT ON APRIL 18, 2005." (See a photo here.)
  
  I've carried this envelope to about a dozen residences in Iowa, California, and Colorado over the past nineteen years, and it's always a treat to rediscover it each time I move. I found it again a couple of months ago, when I moved to my new apartment, and I keep it now atop a chest of drawers in my living room.
  
  I don't know what's in there. It feels like three or four sheets of paper, probably mimeographed in purple ink with blanks for my address, my pets' names, my favorite things to do at recess, and other information I thought would be important to myself across the unimaginable gulf of twenty years. I believe I wrote that I wanted to be a veterinarian when I grew up and that I liked Morocco Man's twin sister. Seeing as how I've grown up to be an accounts receivable clerk and I never did score a date with Morocco Man's sister, maybe I shouldn't be so eager to open the envelope after all. How many other dreams bouncing around in my young skull have been crushed by the last two decades like a bunny rabbit under the wheels of a Peterbilt semi on I-80?
  
  Everything seems so possible when you're eleven years old.
  
  Whatever. Only 267 days to go.
  
  
• I can't wait to start reading the ridiculous book I bought at my church's garage sale for a quarter. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you The Texas-Israeli War: 1999, "as reported by" Jake Saunders and Howard Waldrop and published in 1974. You can read a complete synopsis of the plot here, but I'll give you the quick-and-dirty from the front cover: "Rebellious Texans kidnapped the President of the U.S. His future rested with a band of fearless Israelis whose courage had been tested in other wars!"
  
  Look at a photo of the front and back covers here. I'm serious -- go look at it. What, you don't want to see a picture of a tank emblazoned with a Star of David under attack by Indians on horseback wearing feathered headdresses and brandishing spears? Suit yourself.
  
  Saunders and Waldrop rack up huge points for plot originality here, but really -- Texas versus Israel? It sounds like something dreamed up by a bunch of political science geeks tripping on meat lover's pizza and Bud Light. "Who would win if Superman fought the Fantastic Four? Or if a bear fought a shark? No, wait... what if Israel invaded Texas?"
  
  (Does anybody remember how, at Future Problem Solving competitions, you could get five bonus points for each original problem or solution? No? Okay, moving along then...)
  
  
• Friday. Everyone looks forward to Friday, I guess, but the thing is that I've achieved coitus each of the last two Fridays, and I'm eager to see if I can roll a turkey.
  
  
• The death by crucifixion of this couple. Note to Yahoo! Personals: Looking at photos of awkwardly posed yuppies horsing around does not make me want to subscribe to your service. It makes me want to gouge my eyes out with a corkscrew.
  
  
• The day I can attend a meeting of the Kilgore Trout Appreciation Society, founded in Tulsa by Sadie, bruce, and Sir JMJ. I don't get it either. I think it's just an excuse for heavy drinking.
  
  Details regarding KTAS ceremony and protocol have yet to be hashed out, but apparently meetings are to begin and end by reciting choruses from '80s power ballads, such as "High Enough" or "When I See You Smile." I think, per bruce's suggestion, that the Official KTAS Greeting should be "Go fuck yourself," which loosely translates as "Hello," "Goodbye," "Thank you," and "Would you like fries with that?" Also, James Spader and Maggie Gyllenhaal seem to have gotten mixed up in this somehow. I'll make sure to forward the cease-and-desist letters to you, Sadie.

+posted by Lawrence @ 7/25/2004 10:17:00 PM