Chaotic Not Random

IOWA CITY -- Local environmental activist, Green Party campaign volunteer, anti-war protest veteran, independent bookstore clerk, and self-described "loony left-wing political junkie" Dave Wilson, 23, has been suffering from intense guilt caused by his attraction to Jenna and Barbara Bush, the 22-year-old twin daughters of President George W. Bush, sources reported Monday.

"I caught one of Kaiser Bush's campaign stops a few weeks ago on TV," said Wilson, "I was watching the Asshole-in-Chief stumbling through another fascist speech about 'saving the institution of marriage' when I noticed this pretty blonde girl standing off to the side. I couldn't take my eyes off her... I figured she must be an intern or an aide or something, but then the First Fucktard introduced her as his daughter Jenna! I couldn't believe such a comprehensively evil man could have fathered that beautiful woman."

"A few days later," Wilson continued, "I saw a news clip of Clueless George getting out of a plane, followed by an even prettier dark-haired girl. The reporter said it was his other daughter Barbara, and I practically shit my pants. I haven't been able to stop thinking about either one of them since, no matter how hard I try."

"I know it's wrong," added Wilson, staring at the floor and wringing his hands.

Despite attempts to hide his crush, Wilson's friends have noticed his fascination with the Bush twins. "I noticed a suspicious number of clips on the TiVo featuring the president's daughters," said Ann Siegel, Wilson's roommate and fellow Greenpeace activist, "and once when I got online I found a site called The First Twins in the browser history. I went to the site and it was all about Jenna and Barbara Bush, with lots of pictures, and it looked like someone had clicked on every link. When I confronted Dave about it, he got really defensive and said he went to the site accidentally while doing research on President Pig Vomit's anti-environment energy policy. Whatever, Dave."

Wilson remains hopeful that the First Sisters might be working on their father's campaign out of family loyalty instead of ideological allegiance. "Maybe they're not total Nazis like their father," said Wilson. "Especially Barbara -- she went to Yale, and I read somewhere that she wants to help HIV-positive children overseas. Also, she's a lot cuter than Jenna."

"Maybe when Bush comes campaigning in Iowa, Barbara will come with him, and we might happen to be on an elevator at the same time or something," added Wilson. "I wouldn't talk to her about politics, I guess, because I'd have to say that her dad is a reactionary religious nutcase, but we could talk about AIDS volunteerism -- I've been thinking about getting into some AIDS work myself -- or music or whatever. It would be nice to spend some time with her. I bet she's really down to earth."

Wilson then gritted his teeth and smacked his forehead with the heel of his hand several times.