DEAD END
A SHORT TRAGEDY IN TWO ACTS

JUMP TO ACT II

Setting: One of Kilgore Trout's epididymis
Time: The morning of Saturday, July 10, 2004

DRAMATIS PERSONAE
Sperm 1
Sperm 2
Rex Morgan M.D.
Sperm 314,159,265
Chorus of 400 million other sperm

ACT I

SPERM 1: First in line! Hope you all get a good look at my backside, boys, because you won't be seeing anything else until you expire in 48 hours!

SPERM 2: You had better be quick, then. I think I'll be the one to fertilize that ovum today!

[SPERM 1 and SPERM 2 horse around as they make their way up the epididymis toward the vas deferens, talking friendly trash and slapping each other with their tails. Why not? We've already assumed they're sentient and speak English.]

SPERM 1: It's just like how they drilled us at the Academy.

SPERM 2: Yeah, it's all going according to plan. First and second out of the testis, then maintain position all the way to the ejaculatory duct. And then... hey! Watch your left side!

SPERM 1: [Body-checks a pursuing sperm into wall of epididymis.] Uhh! Thanks for getting my back, buddy. I owe you one.

SPERM 2: You bet. But after ejaculation, it's every spermatozoon for himself, right?

SPERM 1: [Nods grimly.] Right. That's going to be the toughest part -- a six-inch death march to the cervix, and then only one of us gets to fertilize the ovum.

SPERM 2: If it's not me, I hope it's you, buddy.

SPERM 1: Likewise. [They slap tails.]

REX MORGAN M.D.: Actually, if you have an ovum to fertilize, there's about a 1% chance there will be two -- or possibly more -- ova available! One of you could fertilize one egg and the other could claim the other egg! The result would be fraternal twins!

SPERM 1: Oh, that would be too cool.

SPERM 2: That would rock! We'd be brothers forever.

SPERM 1: Well, brother and sister. I'm an X and you're a Y, remember?

SPERM 2: If that happens, do you think we'll know? Do you think I'll say, "Hey, Madison, remember when we used to hang out back in Dad's right testicle? Remember the time you put that spermatozoon's underwear in the freezer, and he got so mad he developed a third chromosome in his 21st pair?"

SPERM 1: Well, whatever happens, I hope I don't end up as Madison. Yech.

SPERM 2: I wouldn't count it out. It's a really popular name these days.

SPERM 1: Whatever happened to that spermatozoon whose underwear you froze, anyway?

[Cue lights on SPERM 314,159,265, stuck in sperm traffic just exiting an epididymis.]

SPERM 314,159,265: Have you seen my baseball?

[Drop lights on SPERM 314,159,265.]

SPERM 2: [Breathing hard.] Man, we must be almost out of the scrotum by now.

SPERM 1: I hope so. We should be passing the Cowper's glands any time.

REX MORGAN M.D.: Not so fast! You won't see the Cowper's glands until after you pass through the prostate gland! You've got a ways to go, fellas!

SPERM 2: Well, shit. Let's pick up the pace and put some distance between ourselves and the pack.

SPERM 1: I'm game. I'll take the point first and we'll switch off. Here we go! [Surges ahead.] Uhh! [Stops short as he slams into the closed end of the vas deferens.]

SPERM 2: [Runs into back of SPERM 1.] What the fuck, huh? What are you doing?

SPERM 1: I'm not doing anything! It just ends here!

REX MORGAN M.D.: Uh oh!

CHORUS: I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn't even matter...

[Curtain.]


ACT II

[Curtain opens on SPERM 1 throwing himself repeatedly against the dead end of the vas deferens.]

SPERM 2: [Staring at a map and holding a compass in his tail.] I don't get it. Where did we go wrong?

SPERM 1: This can't be happening! It's not supposed to be this way! All the training, all the hard work... [He throws himself against the dead end again, then backs away, exhausted.]

REX MORGAN M.D.: It appears as though a substantial section of the vas has been surgically removed! The ends have been cauterized and sealed! You will be unable to reach the ejaculatory duct!

SPERM 1: But we're supposed to reach the ejaculatory duct! It's the only reason we're here. I was prepared for a glorious death in the vaginal canal, but here, to die here? It's so pointless.

SPERM 2: I don't understand. Why would He create us to serve this one purpose, and then take away that purpose? Why would He be so cruel?

CHORUS: Don't know what you got till it's gone
Don't know what it is I did so wrong
Now I know what I got
It's just this song
And it ain't easy to get back
Takes so long...

SPERM 2: He's testing us.

SPERM 1: Yes.

SPERM 2: He loves us.

SPERM 1: Yes.

SPERM 2: His will is that we be ejaculated.

SPERM 1: Yes.

SPERM 2: He cannot subvert His own will.

SPERM 1: Yes.

SPERM 2: So he places this barrier in our way, to test our faith!

SPERM 1: Yes! [He leaps up and starts throwing himself against the dead end.] I have faith! I have faith!

SPERM 2: No, no, no! Stop!

SPERM 1: What, then?

SPERM 2: A sacrifice.

SPERM 1: A martyr.

SPERM 2: A scapegoat.

SPERM 1: An offering.

SPERM 2: A tribute.

SPERM 1: [Checking thesaurus.] An... oblation?

SPERM 2: But who?

[Cue lights on SPERM 314,159,265.]

SPERM 314,159,265: Tell me about the rabbits.

SPERM 1 & SPERM 2: He'll do. [They drag SPERM 314,159,265 to the front.]

SPERM 2: Okay, we need a stone knife, and an altar carved from a single piece of black marble, and some wicked symbols painted in lamb's blood, and some gilded robes.

REX MORGAN M.D.: Better hurry! If you wait too long you'll be broken down and absorbed!

SPERM 1: Oh, fuck it. [He strangles SPERM 314,159,265 with his tail.]

SPERM 314,159,265: [Breathing his last.] Please remember to put flowers on Algernon's grave. [He dies.]

SPERM 2: [Praying.] Oh, He who brought us into existence within his testicles, we have given You a worthy sacrifice and we beseech You to hear our prayer. We ask only that You allow us to fulfill the purpose for which You created us: to be ejaculated and die at least an honorable death if not to achieve fertilization and eternal life in Your realm.

SPERM 1: Amen.

[A long moment passes.]

SPERM 1: Uhh! [He throws himself against the dead end.]

SPERM 2: It's useless. His ears are sealed to our pleas.

SPERM 1: Then curse Him, and die! I have faith! [He continues to throw himself against the dead end.]

SPERM 2: Did He forget about me? Did He forget about my purpose? Or did He remember, and just doesn't care? Does He hate me? Does He enjoy watching me suffer? Will He laugh as I toil and die? Can He find such pleasure in thwarting the hopes he planted in my heart? He has everything, and I have nothing but my purpose, and He takes even that away -- is He mad? Or does he have a Purpose I can't possibly understand, a grand Purpose that supersedes and subsumes my petty desire to be ejaculated? Can He hear me now? Is He angry at my lack of faith? Or does He understand? If He loves me, why does He torment me so?

CHORUS: I'm all out of love
I'm so lost without you
I know you were right
Believing for so long
I'm all out of love
What am I without you?
I can't be too late
To say that I was so wrong...

SPERM 1: [Collapses, panting.] I hate Him.

SPERM 2: I don't.

[Curtain.]

+posted by Lawrence @ 7/11/2004 11:11:00 PM