Those of you who noticed that Sunday's list of "Things That Must Be Done Exactly Right" did not include "Always wear condoms with casual sex partners" will not be surprised to learn that I spent two hours and fifteen dollars Monday morning submitting bodily fluids for testing at the Denver Metro Health STD Clinic.

I'm usually quite careful in this regard. But last December... well, the rubbers were in my jacket pocket, and the jacket was in the other room, and the lady was ready and willing, and I'm just a man, after all. She was no blushing virgin, either -- if having unprotected sex is like having sex with all of your partner's partners, then I believe that last December 25 I fucked most of the male population of Adams County.

I like the STD clinic. I mean, I don't really, but I'm trying to keep a positive attitude about this whole thing, and anyway it's nice that there's a place where a guy can wear Old Navy khakis and a polo shirt and be the best-dressed dude in the joint. Also the nurse was cute, although I suppose the STD clinic isn't the best place to cruise for chicks.

"Are you having any symptoms? Sores in the genital area?"

"No."

"Any discharge from your penis?"

"No."

"Burning or pain when you pass urine?"

"No. Wait." Suddenly I realized I was having burning when I urinated. "I guess so."

"For how long?"

"Um... a while. Months, I guess. Maybe a year?"

The nurse looked at me as if I had confessed to receiving unprotected anal sex from 800 men at a Haitian leper colony. "It's been burning for a year and you didn't tell anyone?"

I hung my head. "I guess so."

"Do you have an unusually small opening in your penis?"

How am I supposed to know? "I wouldn't know what to compare it to."

"Drop your pants."

She unwrapped from sterile paper a swab that looked like a tiny toilet brush. "Take a deep breath," she said, and rammed that swab in a Bad Place. I swear I will wear condoms for the rest of my life, even while masturbating, if I never have to have something inserted there again.

The HIV test came back negative. The swab test came back negative. I get syphilis and gonorrhea results back tomorrow, and chlamydia results next Monday, and I am going crazy in the meantime. I will post the results in the sidebar, for those of you keeping score at home. Wish me good luck now and better sense in the future.

+posted by Lawrence @ 6/08/2004 11:15:00 PM