THINGS THAT NEED TO GO AWAY RIGHT NOW, VOL. 11

• People who post lyrics to entire songs on their blogs. I hate to mention this, because two of my favorite bloggers do this often, but nothing makes me scroll south faster than a screenful of italicized song lyrics. If I know the song, there's no need to list all of the lyrics, and if I don't know the song, the lyrics won't do me any good -- am I supposed to make up my own tune? Referencing a few lines is okay, but dumping the whole song on your blog is like typing in five minutes of movie dialogue.
  
  Why not quote a few lines and discuss their meaning? Tell me about the music and why it inspired and moved you. That will make me want to listen to your favorite tunes a lot more than a wad of lyrics to a song I've never heard.
  
  
• People who ignore basic principles of courtesy and tact. A lady I work with got divorced recently, and threw a party downtown to celebrate her regained freedom. Divorcée invited all of her friends and a lot of people from work, including me and one of the women in my cubicle -- I work in a large cubicle with two women -- but not the other woman. I'm not sure why. Uninvited is a quiet lady in her mid-forties, shy but very, very nice.
  
  For the entire week leading up to the party, Divorcée and the party invitees discussed the party in loud, happy voices in the hallways and over the cubicle walls. They came into our cubicle to talk about how much fun we would have and how drunk we were all going to get. They did this in front of Uninvited. I'm ashamed to say I did nothing to stop them.
  
  The day of the party, everyone left early to get ready, but Uninvited and I both worked late. As she was leaving, Uninvited stopped by my desk.
  
  "I guess there's a party tonight that I'm not invited to," she said. She smiled as if she found it funny, but she looked sad.
  
  I smiled and squirmed in my chair. "Yeah," I said. "You can come with me, if you want."
  
  "Oh, no," she said. "I wouldn't want to go somewhere I'm not wanted, would you?"
  
  "No," I said. "I'm sorry, Uninvited. If it was my thing I would have invited you."
  
  She smiled again, for real this time. "I know," she said. "Have a good weekend, Kilgore."
  
  "You too, Uninvited."
  
  Man, just think about what you say before you say it.
  
  
• The vending machine guy's habit of stocking varieties of Hostess Donettes other than Chocolate. Chocolate Donettes -- like Original Pringles -- are perfect foodstuffs, and all other varieties of these products should have been discontinued long ago to allow for greater production of the superior species. But the vending machine guy insists on stocking Powdered and Crumb Donettes, usually two or three packages in front of a whole squadron of yummy Chocolate Donettes. Nobody wants Powdered or Crumb Donettes, of course, so they just sit in the machine while I weep with frustration, watching those precious Chocolate Donettes grow stale. Sometimes I buy the Powdered or Crumb Donettes to hasten the arrival of the Chocolate Donettes, but I'm not made of money, you know.
  
  
• People who don't know how to behave with their dogs in public. I like to run at Washington Park, a few blocks from my apartment. Wash Park has two water fountains on its perimeter, and one of these fountains has a pail underneath to catch the runoff water so people can let their dogs drink. Usually, when I approach the fountain while a dog is drinking, the owner will pull his dog back to allow me to drink. They do this because I am a human being, and as such I get to drink before dogs, which are not human beings.
  
  A few weeks ago, I approached one of the Wash Park fountains while a young woman's basset hound drank from the pail. She glanced over and saw me, and I hesitated for a moment to let her pull her dog back, but she just turned and watched her dog slowly lap water from the pail. Well, fuck you, then. I walked straight to the fountain and drank, the runoff water splashing on the basset hound's head. The girl yanked her dog back, gasping in astonishment as though I had offered to show her my vasectomy scar. I ignored her and trotted away, feeling pretty good about the blow I had struck for human rights. You know, like Gandhi and stuff.
  
  Another time I approached a Wash Park fountain to find that a lady had tied her dog's leash to the nozzle while she used the bathroom. Look, dog owners: some people don't like dogs, and some people are afraid of dogs, and some of the rest of us don't want to have to mess around with your dog just to grab a drink from the fountain, and still others of us think it's kind of nasty to drink from a water fountain that's had a dog's leash tied around the nozzle.

+posted by Lawrence @ 6/29/2004 11:49:00 PM