THINGS THAT MUST BE DONE EXACTLY RIGHT

• The currency in my wallet must be sorted in order by denomination, with the largest bills in the front and the smallest bills in the back. The faces on all bills must be right-side up and facing forward. Cashiers often do not sympathize with my currency-arrangement needs, and hand over bills with the faces backwards and upside-down. Because I don't want to hold up the line while fumbling with my change, this forces me to trundle my purchases a few feet away and then place them on the ground while I put my money in my wallet the correct way. In extreme cases, I might stuff the bills in my pocket in a disgusting wad and arrange them in my wallet when I get to the car. But I try to avoid this.
  
  ATM and debit card receipts must go behind the bills, with the top of the receipt pointing toward the left side of the wallet (with the wallet open and the credit cards facing the observer) and the front of the receipt facing the front of the wallet. In the event that the receipt is too long to fit in the wallet, it must be folded exactly in halves or quarters (not thirds) such that the receipt can be placed in the wallet as described above (that is, it must not be folded so that the printing on the receipt is covered).
  
  
• Every Sunday night, I deep-fry a package of chicken wings and watch a movie. Half of the wings must be placed in a glass bowl and drenched in soy sauce, and the other half must be placed on a plate and dipped in barbecue sauce (typically KC Masterpiece Hickory Brown Sugar, but the variety is not crucial). A package of chicken wings typically contains 10 drumettes, but in the event that it contains an odd number (such as 9 or 11) of wings, the odd wing must be drenched in soy sauce and not dipped in barbecue sauce.
  
  
• The dash (--) must not be used more than once in a paragraph, except in the case of a double dash (-- blah blah blah --).
  
  
• I am not permitted to break out a new pair of Defeet Air-E-Ator running socks until the old pair has developed a visible hole or if I need a new pair for a marathon or ultramarathon. If I do wear a new pair of socks for a race, I must put them away after the race and not wear them for regular running until I've worn out the old pair of socks.
  
  Some of you are rolling your eyes and saying, "Why then, did you start wearing your awesome new Pain Trip Air-E-Ators this weekend after your wore out the Shark Air-E-Ators? You know full well that you wore the Air-E-Ators with the Colorado flags at the race in North Carolina in April, and those socks, having been used, should have been next in line, not the virgin Pain Trips."
  
  I realize that this represents a major break in sock rotation protocol, but I have justified the lapse by reasoning that I only purchased the Colorado Air-E-Ators at the last minute in a blind panic because the Jolly Roger Air-E-Ators I ordered specifically for the North Carolina race did not arrive on time. Had the Jolly Rogers arrived as expected, I would not have purchased the Colorado socks at all, and therefore they do not deserve the same status and consideration as Air-E-Ator styles chosen on their merits and not merely as stop-gap measures.

+posted by Lawrence @ 6/06/2004 11:42:00 PM