I love almost everything about backpacking -- the awesome beauty of the alpine wilderness, the challenge of climbing mountain passes, the novelty of trudging through knee-deep snow in July, and the anticipation of meeting twin backpackers from Switzerland named Monika and Gabriele.

But I hate shitting in the woods. I hate squatting over a hole with flies buzzing around my ass, waiting for dinner to be served. I hate missing the hole and walking around with my shorts around my knees, trying to find a stick. I hate cleaning with water afterward to prevent "backpacker butt" -- I won't describe the process, but if you ever meet me in person, I recommend wearing latex gloves. I would avoid shitting altogether while backpacking, if not for the back pain and headaches that result from holding back for seven days.

A few years ago, I went on a backpacking trip with Morocco Man, my best friend. We hiked and camped in the Colorado wilderness for a week and grew accustomed to the solitude, as we saw few people. On the last afternoon, Morocco Man announced he had to take a shit. He wandered a short distance away, dug a hole, and squatted with his back to the trail. I dropped my pack, opened a bag of trail mix and gazed into the distance.

Presently I turned my head to the left to see a family of five -- father, mother, one son, and two daughters -- on horseback, solemnly watching a man squeezing excrement from his ass into a hole in the ground with the determination of Hercules fighting the Hydra. I didn't know what to say, so I just watched as Morocco Man, with his back still to the trail, stood up and began wiping. At a gesture from the father, the mother and two daughters turned their horses away from the grotesque scene. The two men continued silently watching Morocco Man dig around in his asscrack as though he had lost his wallet in there.

Finally Morocco Man finished and turned around. His mouth fell open and his face assumed a look perfectly appropriate to the occasion. If I showed you a picture of his face at that moment, you would immediately say, "That guy just got caught wiping his ass in front of five strangers, including a woman and two little girls." The father turned and spoke quietly, and the family walked their horses down the trail, refusing to make eye contact with either of us, as Morocco Man's face remained frozen in a rictus of horror.

I've seen some crazy stuff in my time. But that... was... awesome.

+posted by Lawrence @ 6/24/2004 04:08:00 PM