FUN WAYS TO CELEBRATE THE SUMMER SOLSTICE

• Any time anyone mentions that it's the first day of summer, ask them how they know for sure. Ask if they've been timing the sunrises and sunsets so as to be sure June 21 was the longest day of the year. If they say they saw it on the calendar or heard it on the news, ask if they believe everything they read or see on television. Then go off on a semicoherent rant about the Rosicrucians and the Trilateral Commission conspiring to control the seasons. Work in some numerology if you can. You should say all of these things in your loudest, most obnoxious voice, with spittle flying out of your mouth, and you should get up the other guy's face and poke him in the chest a few times. Why the hell not? What have you got to lose -- your spot on the General Motors board of directors? Yeah, you'll become known as the guy who started a fistfight over the summer solstice. So what? At least you'll be famous for something. Be an asshole for a few minutes, and not just the guy who cowers in his cubicle and never talks to anyone and takes naps in the john twice a day.
  
  
• Honor the Mother Earth Goddess by digging a hole in the ground and giving her a good fucking. She likes it rough, so grab some handfuls of grass and really put your hips and back into it. Be sure to wear a rubber -- Mom's been around this solar system a few times. And bring along a copy of the Constitution. That way, if any cops hassle you, you can point out the part that says, "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof..." I'd have Alan Dershowitz on speed-dial, just in case.
  
  
• Email me some naked pictures of your sister, as expressly permitted under Article IV of the Chaotic Not Random Reader's Bill of Rights. This is a good idea for any time of year, even if it's not a solstice or an equinox or any other astronomical event. And quit trying to front like you're not the kind of sick fuck who takes naked pictures of his sister. We all know that's exactly the kind of sick fuck you are, and anyway your sister's pretty hot, and nobody would blame you for having a weak moment when she came home drunk and passed out in the bathtub. So send the pictures already. I won't post them on my blog, probably, and if I do I'll say Skippy sent them.
  
  
• Get some good sandwiches and a can of Original Pringles and a bottle of Beaujolais and surprise a loved one with a picnic at the park. Sit under a tree and enjoy the sunshine and the food and the summer breeze and, after you've had about half the wine, tell your loved one something you've always wanted to say but were afraid he or she would laugh. But I'm pretty sure sure your loved one won't laugh. Loved ones are funny that way.

+posted by Lawrence @ 6/21/2004 07:42:00 PM