THINGS THAT NEED TO GO AWAY RIGHT NOW, VOL. 10
- Everybody has got to stop reading The Da Vinci Code. I get on the train and half the riders have their noses stuck in this book. I took a plane to North Carolina and the people behind me held up the beverage cart to talk about The Da Vinci Code with the flight attendant. My aunt keeps pestering me to read it. I went to a poker game and the hostess dragged out a paint-by-numbers The Last Supper to show us how one of the disciples is actually a woman. Enough, goddammit!
Because, you know, if everyone keeps buying The Da Vinci Code, it won't come out in paperback, and I can't afford the hardcover.
- People who don't know anything about sports, but they spout off about sports anyway. I went to Coors Field last Saturday, and not only did I have to watch the Rockies get clobbered by the Phillies 16-5, but I had to listen to the guy next to me dispensing these wise and considered thoughts:
- "The Mammoth won't win next year unless they get rid of Nash." Actually, Gee Nash led the National Lacrosse League in save percentage, finished third in goals-against average, and was named NLL Goaltender of the Year. True, Calgary's Curtis Palidwor outplayed Nash in the playoff semifinals, but the Mammoth would be fools to trade the league's best goalie because of one subpar game.
- "Todd Helton's having a bad year because he doesn't listen to his coaches." Actually, Todd Helton had already jacked a home run in the first inning, and has compiled another solid year in 2004 so far -- as of Saturday, his 1020 OPS ranked 11th in the National League. (That's 1029 at home and 1007 away, for all you Coors Field h8ers.)
- "The Rockies need to score some points here." Actually, baseball teams score runs, not points. Also, hockey and lacrosse teams score goals, not points, although football and basketball teams do in fact score points. Can we all get this straight, please?
- "They should limit the number of fouls before you strike out." Actually, they shouldn't. Skilled hitters foul off pitches with two strikes to coax the pitcher into throwing a pitch they like, or to draw a walk, or to wear down the pitcher and give their teammates a look at his stuff. It's a vital part of the batter-pitcher duel that anchors the sport of baseball. Should we change such an important rule just so lukewarm baseball fans can get home eight minutes earlier?
- bruce at capital letters are tyranny writes:
Things that need to go away... the phrase "some people..." followed by what one person has said held up to represent a much larger segment of society than it really does. This is usually done for the sheer pleasure of the author; so that they can go about the easy work of slicing apart the nonsense that some non-representative person has said. It's sloppy and it's insincere. It's become standard practice on many political websites. Arrrrggghhhhh!!!!
Good catch, bruce. Here's an example. This seems to be a variation on the Straw Man logical fallacy.
- The following humor devices have been banned due to overuse, by decree of Kilgore Trout:
- Any japery including the phrase "yellow snow." How original is "yellow snow"? It gets 32,900 results on Google.
- Comparisons between Miami Heat coach Stan Van Gundy and porn star Ron Jeremy. If you thought of it first, congratulations. Otherwise, think of something else.
- Voicemail greetings that end, "Have a blessed day." I appreciate the sentiment, but that's not really up to me, is it?
+posted by Lawrence @ 5/19/2004 11:09:00 PM
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