LOCAL MAN BECOMES GREAT LOVER
BY READING MAXIM MAGAZINE

SACRAMENTO -- Jerry Burns, a 24-year-old accountant, used to spend Saturday nights watching "Girls Gone Wild" videos and eating Fritos with onion dip. All of that changed when he bought the January 2004 issue of Maxim magazine.

"I was stocking up on onion dip at Safeway when I walked past the magazine stand and the Maxim cover said, '7 Ways to Meet More Women -- Tonight!'" Burns recalled. I thought, "Heck, that's just what I need."

Burns took the magazine home and studied the articles, which taught him how to pick out a pool cue and mix the perfect martini, as well as how to talk to and seduce women. That night, he went to a local bar to test his new skills.

"It was easy!" he said. "I'm a little shy, so I've never been able to pick up women in bars, but right away I struck up a conversation with a stunning redhead. Two hours later, I was driving her back to my place."

But Burns could only claim partial victory. "I hadn't had sex in a while," he admitted, "so it was over pretty fast. And I couldn't, um, satisfy her. Obviously I needed more help."

Help arrived two weeks later in the form of the February 2004 Maxim issue and its feature article, "15 Ways to Satisfy Her -- Tonight!" Burns read this article first, which gave tips on delaying ejaculation and stimulating a woman's clitoris and G-spot. Other articles taught him how to pick up a 7-10 split and to wear turtlenecks and spread-collar dress shirts to conceal his thin neck.

"I went to the bar that night and convinced this gorgeous brunette to come home with me," Burns said. "Well, I made love to her all night until we collapsed from exhaustion. She was amazed -- no one had ever given her ten orgasms before. I couldn't wait for my next issue of Maxim!"

In the following months, Burns learned how to achieve multiple male orgasm, how to perform cunnilingus, how to give an erotic massage, how to talk women into joining a ménage à trois, where to find the hottest fashions for spring, how to make a Caesar salad, the names of the 10 greatest guy movies ever, and how to build hard abs -- the easy way!

As Burns has developed his skills, word of his sexual prowess has spread. "Beautiful women approach me on the street and beg me to sleep with them," he said, "I've had to get my phone number unlisted. I'm banging a different hot chick every night, moving from one bed to the next, spreading damp pleasure wherever I go. Thank you, Maxim!"

+posted by Lawrence @ 5/10/2004 11:05:00 PM