LOCAL MAN FINISHES 50-MILE ULTRAMARATHON,
CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING FUNNY TO SAY

RALEIGH, N.C. -- Kilgore Trout finished the 50-mile event at the Umstead Endurance Run near Raleigh, N.C. on Saturday in 9 hours, 47 minutes, 46 seconds. As of press time Sunday night, Trout had nothing funny, ironic, snide, or sarcastic to say about the experience.

Trout, 30, delighted bystanders by charging up the final hill while screaming with joy. One spectator, who termed the scream "a barbaric yawp," said, "Given Kilgore Trout's habit of distancing himself from real emotion through the use of ironic detachment, I though he was probably spoofing some movie, maybe yelling 'Freedom!' or 'Adrian!' or even 'Elaine!' But when I saw him collapse into his sister's arms in exhaustion, I realized that I had witnessed from Kilgore Trout a spontaneous outburst of genuine emotion."

The race was the first ultramarathon for Trout, a veteran of nine standard marathons. Witnesses speculated this may have caused him to act in unfamiliar ways, such as when he grasped a friend's shoulder and said, "I'm glad you could be here today."

According to one witness, the gesture and statement of affection "appeared entirely sincere... not at all what we've come to expect from the distant and emotionally crippled Kilgore Trout. By running 15 miles further than he's ever run before, he derived a sensation of achievement that undoubtedly caused him to momentarily forget his wreck of a life spent hopscotching from one embarrassing failure to the next."

Trout frustrated bystanders by refusing to drop the mask of sincerity, spending the afternoon excitedly describing details of the race to friends without the use of sarcasm. Later Saturday evening, he even proposed a toast "to goals achieved."

"'To goals achieved?'" said one shocked witness. "That's just the kind of cheeseball phrase that Kilgore would normally twist into some snide, cruel joke. What the hell has gotten into him?"

Experts predict Trout's newfound happiness will last until Monday afternoon, when the lonely routine of Trout's daily life will crush his spirit anew.

+posted by Lawrence @ 4/04/2004 12:58:00 PM