AUTOMATED CHECKOUT ENABLES LOCAL MAN TO ELIMINATE
LAST VESTIGE OF HUMAN CONTACT FROM HIS LIFE

DENVER -- By using automated checkout at the Albertson's grocery store near Alameda and Broadway last weekend, Kilgore Trout purged the last traces of human interaction from his sad, lonely life, sources reported Saturday.

"Thanks to automatic teller machines, automated customer service phone systems, Internet banking, instant messaging, online shopping, direct deposit, email, voicemail, and now automated checkout at the supermarket, I can go for weeks without speaking to another human being," said Trout, 30, in an interview conducted Sunday via slips of paper shoved underneath his apartment door.

Installed by Albertson's two weeks ago, the automated checkout machines allow customers to scan their own items, weigh produce, and pay with cash, credit cards, debit cards, or personal checks.

Albertson's employee Bob Hotchkiss saw Trout approach the automated checkout system. "People are usually reluctant to try new things, but that Trout guy practically ran over there to use it," he said. "He looked like he wanted some help finding the produce product code on a bunch of bananas, but I guess he didn't want to ask. He looked like he just wanted to be left alone."

"He just left the bananas behind," added Hotchkiss.

"I used to put off buying groceries until I was down to canned corn and spoiled milk so I wouldn't have to endure the checker asking 'How are you today?' and 'Did you find everything you needed?' and having to mutter 'Fine' and 'Yes, I did' in response," said Trout. "But now I can go grocery shopping whenever I feel like it and nobody so much as wishes me a nice day. It's like heaven."

+posted by Lawrence @ 4/19/2004 09:17:00 PM