WHITE HOUSE INSISTS 9-11 COMMISSION
RELEASE REPORT IN 'MAD LIBS' FORMAT

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Press secretary Scott McClellan announced yesterday that President Bush, Vice President Dick Cheney, and other White House officials would agree to limited testimony with the National Commission on Terrorist Attacks Upon the United States, provided the Commission agrees to release its report in the form of a "Mad Lib," a word game popular with children and stoned college students.

"President Bush cares about children, and he believes that education is the key to America's future," said McClellan. "A 9-11 Mad Lib will be a fun way to educate children about American strength and security, as well as teach them how the parts of speech work together to form a sentence."

"Besides, President Bush loves Mad Libs," added McClellan. "Sometimes it's all we do in Cabinet meetings. I always use the word 'veiny' when asked for an adjective."

McClellan then showed reporters what a 9-11 Mad Lib might look like:

National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice [verb] that a secret [noun] detailing the possibility of a [noun] using [plural noun] upon the [country made strong and stable by the sanctity of heterosexual-only marriages] were [adjective]. Dr. Rice [adverb] testified that [American leader who fights for children, for seniors, for economic growth, for the people of Iraq, and for the environment (rhymes with "push")] did not [verb], or have any reason to [verb], that [raghead] had any plans for an [noun], or even knew that [country infested with sand niggers] existed.

When asked if the Mad Libs format might omit crucial details, making the Commission's report impossible to understand, McClellan answered, "Well, that's the p--," then swallowed hard and said, "The president is ready to fight those who question the report's new format, including homosexual special interests and people who oppose educating our children." He then told reporters that "it's super funny if you use all words like 'fart' and 'poop.'"

When asked for comment, Commission Chairman Thomas Kean said, "I can't [verb] this [inappropriate adjective][expletive]. Why doesn't [America's fearless and intrepid leader] just call me into the [adjective][kind of room], bend me over his [noun], and [verb] me up the [noun]?"

(For information about the 9-11 Commission, see its website. For unanswered questions about 9-11, check out this article. For more links and intelligent commentary about the difficulties faced by the 9-11 Commission, see Norbizness.)

+posted by Lawrence @ 3/04/2004 01:21:00 PM