U.S. EXCHANGES CONSTITUTION FOR OIL
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Bush: 'Heck, we weren't using it anyway.'

WASHINGTON -- In a move hailed by the White House as "an important step toward establishing democracy in the Middle East" as well as "sound energy policy for the 21st century," the U.S. sold its 215-year-old constitution to Iraq in exchange for a percentage of future oil revenues.

"Today, the American people got the best deal since the Pennsylvania Purchase," said His Excellency the Emperor and Supreme Ruler George W. Bush I, as he signed crucifixion orders for former Supreme Court justices John Paul Stevens, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, David Souter, and Stephen Breyer. "Heck, I'd almost forgotten that old thing was still around. If the Iraqis want that piece of paper so bad, I'm not going to turn down their billions of dollars in crude oil."

For the price of 25% of revenues from existing oil wells, the people of Iraq now enjoy the benefits of a central government with the power to coin money, to regulate interstate commerce, and to define and punish Piracies and Felonies committed on the high Seas. After long negotiations, Iraq agreed to give the U.S. 10% of oil revenues from future sites in exchange for the Bill of Rights, guaranteeing its citizens freedom of speech, a free press, freedom to assemble peacefully, and freedom of religion.

"We threw in the other amendments for free. I mean, they're not much good on their own," said HEESR Bush I, signing an order to make punishable by death the having or performing of an abortion, engaging in homosexuality, and the practice of non-Christian religions.

Consumer gasoline prices dropped sharply following the announcement of the sale, due to an expected increase in supply. Prices dropped further due to a decline in demand, as secret police arrested millions of Americans suspected of membership in labor unions, civil rights groups, the Unitarian church, or other political organizations besides the Republican Party.

"These suspected traitors have been detained in re-education camps-- er, facilities across the country," said Minister of Truth Scott McClellan at a press conference. "Our Just and Glorious Leader has guaranteed them trials to be held in private no later than 2014, so if they have done nothing wrong, they have nothing to fear. In the meantime, they have been put to work on a variety of infrastructure projects, among them a dam on the Mississippi River."

"By the way, you're all under arrest," added McClellan, as armed soldiers from the Emperor's elite Republican Guard stormed the press conference room.

+posted by Lawrence @ 3/09/2004 11:52:00 AM