THINGS THAT NEED TO GO AWAY RIGHT NOW, VOL. 6
Crossed out words in blogs. I first saw this device used in a 1999 Sports Illustrated column by Rick Reilly about the rivalry between the Colorado Avalanche and the Detroit Red Wings. Since then, the strikethrough technique has grown mossy with age and stale with repetition. Besides, it's not that funny. It reminds me of Kevin Nealon's "Subliminal Man" character on Saturday Night Live. Remember how much you laughed after seeing that for the fifteenth time? Exactly.
- Let's also abandon the habit of using über as a general prefix meaning "very," as in "This burrito is über-spicy," or "My anus is über-ruptured because you didn't use enough lube last night." I approved of all this a year or so ago, when the usage was fresh. But overuse has wrought its usual damage -- now I have a friend who uses über on its own, as in "This chocolate chocolate-chip ice cream with chocolate ribbon and fudge chunks is so über." And last week I noticed a new fetish store on Broadway called "Über." Enough's enough, folks.
(DISCLAIMER: I am not sure Über is a fetish store. I only said it was a fetish store because it looked like one when I drove past at 30 miles an hour. I have not been inside Über, because I have no reason to go inside a fetish store, because I have no fetishes, especially not one for stinky feet drenched in cod liver oil, and you can't prove it anyway.)
- Religious pest Jerry Falwell, who believes that Jesus of Nazareth was not only the Messiah and the Savior of All Mankind, but a hell of a defensive end as well. ESPN writer Robert Lipsyte reports Falwell told him that "Jesus was no sissy. If he played football, you'd be slow getting up after he tackled you."
Really, Reverend? I've read the entire Bible, and I don't remember seeing any physical descriptions of Jesus, let alone his height, weight, or university where he played his college ball. (You Afrocentrists can just sit down with your Revelation 1:12-16, 2:18 and your Daniel 7:9. I'll deal with you later.) The Gospel writers -- apparently preoccupied with describing the miracles Jesus performed and his acts of kindness and sacrifice -- did not record his time in the 40 or his personal record in the bench press. For all we know, Jesus was short and slightly built and couldn't have successfully tackled Barney Fife.
- By decree of Kilgore Trout, the following humor devices have been banned for adding excessive quantities of lameness to the Universe:
- If my computer breaks, and I have to use the computer of a female coworker who took the day off, you may no longer say, "Wow, you got taller, Angela!" or "Hey! You grew a beard, Angela!" Go find a smelly brown place for your thumb, Jack. I've heard it ten times today, and it wasn't funny the first time.
- If I add a large amount of additive A to edible substance B, you may no longer use the formula, "Would you like a little B with your A?" Specifically prohibited: "Would you like a little [coffee with your cream/Cheerios with your sugar/soup with your crackers]?" Ha ha ha. Would you like a little of your face with my fist?
- You may no longer precede a humorous quip by specifying the number of words in the coming quip. Not even David Letterman can make this work anymore, and you, Senator, are no David Letterman.
- Bloggers who post links to articles and other blogs that force you to open a new browser window. What, you think your blog is so goddam precious that we can't bear to leave for even a moment? Do you see that "Back" button on my browser, you abandonment-complex-having-asshole? If your blog is any good, I'll be back.
While we're at it: bloggers who never post anything original. These people think that blogging consists of copying long passages from articles and other blogs, pasting the passages to their own blogs, and adding two sentences of commentary. These people are apparently unaware of an organ located behind their foreheads (called a "brain") that, when used correctly, will generate strings of words that nobody else has written before. Yes, using your brain this way is harder than using it to store the "Ctrl-C" and "Ctrl-V" shortcuts. But with a little practice, you might develop the skill to write something worth reading.
(There's nothing wrong with copying and pasting, by the way, provided you illuminate the copied text by adding something substantial and original. Two bloggers who excel at this are Bruce at This Is Class Warfare and Mac at Go Fish.)
+posted by Lawrence @ 3/07/2004 11:52:00 PM
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