THINGS I'VE GIVEN UP FOR LENT THIS YEAR

• Sobbing uncontrollably while barreling down the wrong side of the interstate with a quart bottle of off-brand whiskey jammed in my crotch.
  
• Your mom.
  
• Boarding a bus with only one other person on it, sitting down next to that person, and spending the rest of the ride picking my nose.
  
• That thing I used to do. You know... the thing. That I'm on the state registry for? And I have to take the Norpraxamine? Yeah, that thing. I mean, I gave that up for good, not just for Lent, but I still think that counts.
  
• Coveting my neighbor's ox or donkey.
  
• Calling up some guy named "Julio" and asking if he wants to hang out down by the schoolyard, then hanging up while laughing maniacally, and suddenly feeling very, very alone.
  
• Buggery.
  
• Combining baking soda with water and Barbeque Corn Nuts crushed into a fine powder, then cooking the mixture, and selling the resulting rocks to third graders. (NOTE: Technically, I am not violating my vow to the Lord Jesus by replacing the Barbeque Corn Nuts with Nacho Cheesier! Doritos, or cocaine.)
  
• Douching as a means of birth control.
  
• Explaining that, when you assume, you make an ass out of you and me.
  
• Donning green clothing, sneaking into the homes of people named "Boddy," and bludgeoning the man of the house to death in the billiards room with a candlestick.
  
• Norpraxamine.

+posted by Lawrence @ 3/16/2004 11:29:00 PM