Perhaps feeling guilty over slapping me with a $1470.39 body shop bill and for depriving me of Hot Pockets, the Universe showered me with good favor last weekend. In National Lacrosse League action Friday night, the Colorado Mammoth savaged the San Jose Stealth 18-6, and it wasn't that close -- the Mammoth mostly stopped shooting with seven minutes to play. The Mammoth improved to 12-3 and clinched first place in the Western Conference, giving them a first-round playoff bye and home floor advantage in the second round.

Perhaps you care nothing about professional indoor lacrosse. How very unfortunate for you!

In the fourth quarter, Mammoth captain Gary Gait scored on a rocket from the slot to record his 1,000th NLL point. The game stopped for several minutes as 18,274 fans chanted the name of the all-time leading NLL scorer, and as players from both teams feted (not fellated, Skippy -- that's something different) the greatest lacrosse player ever. But the most spectacular play of the game came when Jay Jalbert charged the Stealth net on a breakaway, leaped from the top of the crease and slammed the ball home over the left shoulder of the San Jose goaltender. Without breaking stride, Jalbert ran to the end boards and jumped up on the ledge, where he stood for several seconds and pounded the glass to acknowledge the fans.

Verily I say unto you: if you like sports and you live in Anaheim, Buffalo, Calgary, Denver, Philadelphia, Phoenix, Rochester, San Jose, Toronto or Vancouver; and you haven't been to an NLL game, you must go. I'm still hoarse from yelling.

The good times kept rolling on Saturday, when I learned that the lovely and amazing Trillian had exercised her rights under Article IV of the Chaotic Not Random Bill of Rights and sent me a package filled with wonderful gifts, including:

• a 2004 Chicago Cubs Fan Guide
  
• A CD containing 12 episodes of the BBC radio production of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (the Vogons have British accents. Who knew?)
  
• Two Clif Bars (Chocolate Brownie and Peanut Toffee Buzz flavors)
  
• Two PowerBars (Chocolate and Raspberry & Cream flavors)
  
• A buy-three-Hot-Pockets-get-one-free coupon
  
• A Double Play Baseball handheld electronic game (batteries not included)
  
• A package of AA batteries.

Thank you, Trillian! May flights of angels sing thee to thy rest. Um... never mind about that. I meant to say that the Double Play Baseball game is delightfully cheesy, beeping and vibrating and playing tinny music when you hit a home run. It was manufactured by an American company -- Excalibur Electronics in Miami -- but appears to have been programmed by Eastern Europeans who got all their knowledge of baseball from a dog-eared copy of Sports Illustrated left behind by a Peace Corps volunteer. When a batter gets hit by a pitch, the game proclaims it a "DEADBALL." It refers to runs as "points." The little umpire has a puzzling "D" on his shirt. The pitchers throw from 111 up to 158 miles per hour (looks like someone forgot to covert from kilometers per hour). The game has a 39-point mercy rule, and does not allow for extra innings in the event of a tie -- did Bud Selig assist with the design?

Here's the best part: Double Play Baseball comes with two handheld units that you can connect with an included USB cable. Now I can play Double Play Baseball with a friend! This gives me an idea for my plane trip to North Carolina this weekend:

KILGORE: Hello.
GUY SITTING NEXT TO KILGORE: Hello.
K: Would you like to play baseball?
G: What?
K: Baseball. Double Play Baseball? [Holds up both units]
G: No, I don't think so. Thanks anyway.
K: Okay.

[Five minutes pass.]

K: How about now?
G: Huh?
K: Do you want to play baseball now?
G: Um, no. I'm reading a book.
K: Okay. [Starts playing Double Play Baseball by himself. Game makes loud beeping sounds and plays tinny music.]

[Five minutes pass.]

K: Are you done with your book yet?
G: What?
K: Are you done with your book yet? 'Cause we could play baseball.
G: No, I just started it. And could you turn the sound off? It's distracting.
K: Okay. Sorry. [Turns sound off. Starts making loud beeping sounds and baseball noises with his mouth.]

[Five minutes pass.]

K: How about now?
G: What about now?
K: Are you done with your book yet? 'Cause we could play baseball.
G: No, and please stop making those noises. I'm trying to read.
K: I'll let you be any team you want except the Rockies.
G: No. Thank you anyway.
K: Okay, you can be the Rockies.
G: I don't want to play, no matter what team I get to be. I just want to read my book.
K: Okay.

[Five minutes pass.]

K: I have to pee.
G: So go to the bathroom, for chrissake!
K: Can you come with me? We could play baseball. I'll be in the bathroom, and you can stand on the outside, so I could be sure you weren't cheating. You could be the Rockies, and I would be the Broncos. I bet I would win. [Yelling] BRONCOS! [Wipes runny nose on sleeve.]
G: I don't want to play, goddammit! And I wouldn't cheat anyway! Jesus!
K: Tell me about the rabbits.
G: What?
K: Wapner. Definitely time for Wapner.
G: I'm moving to a different seat. [Gets up and walks away.]
K: [Yelling] Hey, mister! You forgot your pretzels!
G: [Doesn't look back.]
K: [Takes pretzels.] Sweet.

Does anyone have a helmet I can borrow?

+posted by Lawrence @ 3/30/2004 02:44:00 PM