LOCAL MAN FORCED TO DOWNGRADE FROM HOT POCKETS
TO LITTLE JUAN BURRITOS

DENVER -- Recent financial problems have forced Kilgore Trout, 30, to replace the delicious Hot Pockets-brand stuffed sandwiches he normally eats for lunch with cheaper, not-so-delicious Little Juan-brand frozen burritos, sources reported Wednesday.

"I ate my last Hot Pocket yesterday," said Trout, removing a red chili Little Juan burrito from the microwave in the breakroom where he works. "It was the Four Meat & Four Cheese Pizza variety, filled with sausage, pepperoni, Canadian-style bacon and seasoned ground beef plus mozzarella, parmesan, romano and cheddar cheeses with a zesty pizza sauce wrapped in a crispy crust. That was so tasty -- I ate it in little tiny bites to make it last."

Although generally conservative with his money, Trout has recently made several major purchases, including a digital music player; a Timex Ironman running watch; and a plane ticket to Raleigh, NC. On February 25, he bought a 1991 Honda Accord with flawless leather interior, and got into an accident four days later. The resulting $1470.39 body shop repair bill, he says, "made me rethink my financial strategy."

"I guess I should be grateful that nobody was hurt in the accident, and that I have enough to cover the repairs, but fourteen hundred bucks is a lot of money," said Trout. "I can get Hot Pockets for $1 each with my Safeway Club Card, but still, that's the kind of luxury I just can't afford right now. These Little Juan burritos are 20 cents apiece."

"You know, they're really not bad," said Trout, biting into the Little Juan burrito as his eyes welled with tears.

Public reaction to Trout's announcement was overwhelmingly negative.

"Kilgore Trout knows full well that not only are Hot Pockets filled with the rotting flesh of dead animals," said a Madison, WI, man who asked not to be identified, "but Hot Pockets are manufactured by Chef America, which in 2002 was acquired by the evil Nestlé multinational corporation. I think Kilgore Trout is getting what he deserves."

Economic experts agree that Trout's decision mars an otherwise improving U.S. economic picture. "By switching to a cheaper brand of frozen convenience food product, Mr. Trout has signaled his lack of confidence in this economy, which is standing precariously at the brink of recovery," said one White House economist, who called upon Trout "to do his patriotic duty" to not only switch back to Hot Pockets, but "to buy one of those big plasma TVs, or at least an overpriced pair of sneakers."

At of press time, Nestlé's stock price had fallen 7¾ points.

+posted by Lawrence @ 3/18/2004 06:09:00 PM