Freddy vs Jason (2003)
Starring Robert Englund, Ken Kirzinger, and some interchangeable, taut-bodied young people.
Directed by Ronny Yu.
Kilgore rates it: 2 (out of 10)

If you're about thirty years old and drowning in nostalgia for the Nightmare on Elm Street and Friday the 13th franchises, you might want to rent Freddy vs Jason. Just make sure to have a large supply of vodka tonics, a fellow nostalgia-soaked friend, and a large carnivore (hamburger, canadian bacon, pepperoni, and sausage) pizza from Nicolo's. Because Freddy vs Jason is a bad movie, useful only for its vast array of unintentionally hilarious lines like, "This says they took too much Hypnocil." (Yeah, I know you don't get it.) The final, pseudo-apocalyptic battle between the title characters will disappoint you. Just rent it, get hammered, and wait for the Hypnocil line. You're welcome.

Thirteen (2003)
Starring Evan Rachel Wood, Nikki Reed, and Holly Hunter.
Directed by Catherine Hardwicke.
Kilgore rates it: 7 (out of 10)

An affirming and heartwarming tale for those of us who will never have children, Thirteen is a horror film for breeders. As I watched, I imagined fathers of preteen girls installing bars on their daughters' bedroom windows and trolling eBay for chastity belts after watching this story of fucked-in-the-head Evie instructing good-girl Tracy in the ways of truancy, shoplifting, slutty dressing, fellatio, whippets, and self-mutilation. Holly Hunter plays well the alcoholic single mom who tries to be her daughter's mother and best friend at the same time, and falls apart as Tracy's life spins out of her control. Also, she gets naked in an obvious ploy to oust Patricia Clarkson from her post as Actress To Whom Kilgore Trout Most Desperately Wants To Make Deep, Sweet Love, Even Though She's Like 45 Or Some Shit.

The Nightmare Before Christmas (1993)
Starring (voices) Chris Sarandon and Catherine O'Hara.
Directed by Henry Selick.
Kilgore rates it: 7 (out of 10)

I didn't much care for the plot of The Nightmare Before Christmas. I didn't care for the dumb songs that clog the film. But I like this movie for the dark and beautiful animation -- the spindly, angular Jack Skellington; the oddly sexy, stitched-together Sally; the mayor of Halloween Town, whose head swivels around depending on his mood; and the ghost dog Zero. My goal in life has become to have two dogs, named Spackle and Zero.

+posted by Lawrence @ 3/13/2004 10:28:00 PM