CHAOTIC NOT RANDOM READER'S BILL OF RIGHTS

ARTICLE I. You have the right to four original posts a week, on a variety of topics ranging from my desire to sleep with Meredith Baxter-Birney to my desire to sleep with Laura Linney. When I cut and paste from a news article or from another blog, you have the right to original commentary exceeding the length of the pasted text. You have the right never to endure posts that read, in their entirety, like this:

You guys gotta check out this shit! That's just wrong!

ARTICLE II. You have the right to read posts unspoiled by flawed spelling, punctuation, or grammar. If you catch a mechanical error in CNR, you have the right to send me nasty emails, ridicule me without mercy in the comments, and tease me until I run from the room crying.

ARTICLE III. You have the right to read a review of every movie I watch. You have the right to expect that I will write these reviews unencumbered by experience in or education about the art of filmmaking.

ARTICLE IIIa. I realize that nobody really wants to read reviews of every movie I watch, but give me a break -- those are easy posts to write when I need to pound one out from work. As compensation, when I post movie reviews, you have the right to a supplementary post on a half-developed topic too weak to stand on its own (such as, say, a CNR Reader Bill of Rights).

ARTICLE IV. You have the right to leave glowing praise in the comments, post a link to CNR on your blog, invite me to speak at your high school, email me naked pictures of your sister, or do anything else necessary to meet my desperate need for approval and fill the black, aching void at the center of my soul.

ARTICLE V. You have the right to see an Involuntary Celibacy Watch counter when my current sexual drought reaches 100 days. When a drought ends, you have the right to know the date and time when I achieved penetration. I reserve the right to estimate times of penetration, as I am badly nearsighted.

ARTICLE VI. You have a right to freedom from tired blogging clichés, including but not limited to: Quizilla quizzes, 100 Things About Me, The Friday Five, Right Now My Mood Is _______ icons, and Unconscious Mutterings.

ARTICLE VII. All rights not delegated to the readers are reserved to Kilgore Trout.

+posted by Lawrence @ 3/24/2004 11:11:00 PM