THINGS THAT NEED TO GO AWAY RIGHT NOW, VOL. 5

• My pathological fear of eating the same variety of Hot Pockets two days in a row.
  
  I eat a Hot Pocket almost every day for lunch because they are cheap and convenient and delicious. Safeway puts them on sale a lot, and I usually buy five boxes to stock up until they go on sale again. I buy these five varieties: Meatballs & Mozzarella, Beef Taco, Chicken Melt, Four Meat & Four Cheese Pizza, and Italian Style Meat Trio.
  
  When I get home, I stack the boxes in the freezer, and the next morning I take a Hot Pocket to work from the top box. The next day I take a Hot Pocket from the second box from the top, and so on. Only after I have eaten one Hot Pocket from each box can I cycle back to the top box. Occasionally I have taken a Hot Pocket out of its proper place in the rotation, and on those days I squirmed and suffered and felt shameful and dirty inside, like when I was four years old and Uncle Earl came to visit.
  
  
• Prescripted greetings. When I pull up to the drive-thru at Taco Bell, a cheerful recorded Anglo voice says, "Welcome to Taco Bell! Would you like to try a Grilled Stuft Burrito with Marinated Chicken or Carne Asada Steak for only $2.19?"
  
  What is the appropriate response if I want two ground beef chalupas with seasoned ground beef and supreme toppings instead? Do I just go ahead with my order, or does courtesy demand that I first decline the offer of the Grilled Stuft Burrito with Marinated Chicken or Carne Asada Steak for only $2.19?
  
  I have a friend who has to answer the phone, "It's a great day at Tires Plus!"
  
  I called my online savings bank the other day to ask a question about direct deposit. A young woman answered, "Thank you for calling Online Savings Bank! How can I help you save money today?"
  
  I should have said, "Giving me your account number and PIN would be a nice start."
  
  
• The failure of my life to be written by Hollywood screenwriters. For example: I was out running on Saturday afternoon, and some guys drove past in a black truck and yelled "Hey, faggot!" out the window. If my life had been written by a Hollywood screenwriter, I would have chased those guys to the next stoplight, dragged them out of the truck, beaten both of them into bloody submission with wire-guided stunts and CGI effects, and trotted away unscathed while dropping a devastating wisecrack like... um... er... well, I guess this blog isn't written by Hollywood screenwriters either.
  
  How should I respond to being called a "faggot," anyway? "Faggot" is a derogatory term for a gay male, and I'm a straight male, so calling me a "faggot" is more bewildering than insulting, like calling me a "nigger" or a "lousy kike."
  
  I realize that "faggot" in this context means "wimpy or effeminate man," so... ATTENTION GUYS WHO DROVE BY IN A BLACK TRUCK LAST SATURDAY AFTERNOON AND YELLED "HEY, FAGGOT!": When you shouted at me, I was finishing up mile 20 of a 29-mile run, and that is not a misprint. You couldn't hang with me for ten minutes, punk. I've got tough you've only read about in comic books. Shame on you.
  
  
• This low-carb nonsense. Atkins-friendly wraps at Subway. Burger King boasts about its low-carb menu. A Carl's Jr. ad sells what appears to be a cheeseburger wrapped in a lettuce leaf. KFC argues that fried chicken is health food. Boulder Sausage labels its bratwurst with a circle-slash symbol over the word "CARBS." Michelob claims their lousy Ultra beer should be my reward for working out. I'll take a hot-fudge sundae, thanks.
  
  Want to lose weight? Try expending more calories than you consume. Too complicated? Try eating a little bit less and exercising a little bit more. This works -- I've lost 20 pounds since last June, and I now weigh the same as I did when I graduated from high school.

+posted by Lawrence @ 2/09/2004 04:46:00 PM