LEE GREENWOOD BLOWS THROUGH
THE LAST OF THE 9/11 MONEY

GATLINBURG, TN -- Country music artist Lee Greenwood has blown through the last few dollars of the fortune he amassed when his signature anthem, "God Bless the USA," achieved omnipresence after the tragedies of September 11, 2001, sources reported Wednesday.

"Things got pretty wild after 9/11, when every radio station in the country was playing 'God Bless the USA,'" said a close associate of Greenwood's, who spoke on condition of anonymity. "Lee was cashing these huge royalty checks and flying all over the country, collecting fat fees for singing at baseball and football games and appearing on TV specials and whatnot. He built himself a new 100,000 square foot mansion up in the hills, and dropped a lot of money on cars and jewelry. Every time I saw him, he was wearing a new Rolex studded with more diamonds than the one before."

"And then there were the parties," he added. "Oh, God, the parties."

Little is known for certain about the extent of Greenwood's debauchery, but stories became common in the country music world about wild parties at his compound, featuring performing lions, tigers, and elephants; unlimited access to high-quality cocaine and heroin; and hookers flown in from Southeast Asia. Rumors abound of an underground videotape depicting Greenwood, 60, in an orgy with Alan Jackson, the Dixie Chicks, and two dozen Indonesian whores of both sexes.

But the good times have ended. As Greenwood's appearances have dwindled, along with radio airplay of "God Bless the USA," his mortgage has been foreclosed and most of his cars repossessed, including a 30-foot custom-built AMC Gremlin limousine. The final stage of Greenwood's descent into poverty seems to have happened Tuesday evening, when witnesses reporting seeing the singer drive one of his solid-gold Bentleys into town and attempt to obtain services from "Starfire," a local street prostitute.

"Miss Starfire got into Mr. Greenwood's big, fancy car, but she wasn't in there long," said Owen Wheatley, 84, who watched the incident from his front porch. "After just a minute or so, she got out screaming, 'You ain't got no five dollars! Don't you touch me unless you got five dollars for me!'"

Witnesses stated that Greenwood drove another two or three blocks before his car stalled, apparently out of gas. A haggard and dissipated Greenwood got out with a bottle of cheap wine, which he smashed over the hood of the car before sinking to the ground, weeping uncontrollably.

Despite Greenwood's recent downfall, local residents remain optimistic about the singer's future fortunes.

"All he needs is for President Bush to start another unnecessary war, or for the A-rabs to bomb another building," said Wheatley. "Then they'll start playing his song again, and Lee will be right back in the saddle. You'll see."

+posted by Lawrence @ 2/11/2004 11:52:00 PM