I'm bewildered that more people don't watch hockey. The sport features a combination of speed, finesse, power, grace, and guts; ever seen a forward redirect a slapper into the net while getting cross-checked in the back, or a goaltender making a sprawling glove save, or a player returning to the ice with stitches after taking a stick to the face? Now consider that these men ply their trade while balancing on thin metal blades on ice, which is frozen water. Hockey players make the astonishing appear routine -- yet no one watches.

Perhaps no one watches because the National Hockey League allows its skilled players, like Joe Sakic, Peter Forsberg, Paul Kariya, Teemu Selanne, Alex Tanguay, and Milan Hejduk -- gosh, it's fun being an Avalanche fan these days -- to be clutched, held, and otherwise mugged by guys who should be checking IDs at a biker bar in Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan. The NHL also insists that Sakic & Co. play on a rink roughly the size of an elementary school gymnasium, ensuring that these amazing athletes spend much of the game eating plexiglas instead of schooling defensemen. Yes, tough defense and checking are essential to hockey, but wouldn't you rather see the game's most entertaining players given some room to work their magic instead of watching another 60 minutes of trapping, dump-and-chase hockey? Those of you who have seen the sublime hockey played at the Olympics on the larger international surface know what I'm talking about.

I'm not at all bewildered that pro basketball has declined in popularity. The game's most visible stars are a thug (Allen Iverson), an idiot (Shaquille O'Neal), a cipher (Tim Duncan), and a kindergartner (LeBron James). But beyond its players, basketball has a bigger problem: free throws. A player drives the lane, beats his defender, and goes up for the shot. Exciting, right? Oh, wait -- the defender hacked the shooter's arm, knocking him to the ground. The whistle blows, the game stops, and the fans are treated to the sight of a man taking uncontested shots while nine other men stand around and scout the crowd for future baby-mommas. This happens two dozen times a game. Hey, I think the Discovery Channel is showing a documentary on dung beetles...

The NBA can solve this problem in either of two ways:

1. Give the players pads and helmets. Legalize all but the most violent fouls. Encourage checking. That is, make basketball into hockey with a hoop and a bouncing ball. Heck, give 'em spiked gloves and roller skates and find out if James Caan is busy.
   
2. Reduce the number of fouls required for disqualification from six to four, or even three. Fear of fouling out will force defenders to foul less, giving offensive players more room to create. Team scoring averages will rise to 120 points per game, and basketball will become the fast-paced, up-and-down sport Dr. Naismith designed it to be.

+posted by Lawrence @ 2/08/2004 10:16:00 PM