HAPPY FUN TIMES FOR KILGORE TROUT

• It was beautiful when the dominoes fell.
  
  The DMV faxed my driving record to Angie at Allstate. Angie faxed proof of insurance to Neicy at Northeast Denver Federal Credit Union. Neicy faxed a letter of credit to Paul at 700 South Broadway. I suffered through an interminable bus ride from work to the car lot, during which a lady discussed at length her prospects for a career in construction at a volume appropriate for being heard over F-16s taking off from the deck of an aircraft carrier. Did I mention that she had just gotten out of prison on parole, and had stringy hair dyed an awful shade of blond, and looked like God had kicked her in the face a few times with the Ugly Boot? But you figured that out on your own.
  
  Anyway, Paul and I made awkward small talk while I signed about 47 pieces of paper guaranteeing Broadway Car Company immunity from legal action, even if a certain 1991 Honda Accord with flawless leather interior burst into flames while I drove it off their lot. Then Paul handed me the keys and I drove away, feeling the kind of relief normally associated with seeing a REST AREA 1 MI sign.
  
  So look out, you persons with two X chromosomes located in the Denver metro area! Kilgore Trout has wheels.
  
  
• Trailing 6-2 at halftime, the Colorado Mammoth scored nine unanswered goals to open the second half and routed the Anaheim Storm 15-10, boosting their record to 8-2, best in the National Lacrosse League. Sports don't get much more obscure than professional indoor lacrosse, yet more than 18,000 rowdy fans came to watch a bunch of Canadian men hit each other with sticks. I'm still hoarse from yelling.
  
  When DK and I arrived at our seats -- we have season tickets -- a season ticket holder in the same row shouted, "Where were you guys last week?" (DK and I had skipped the NLL All-Star Game the week before on the grounds that All-Star games are retarded, no matter the sport.)
  
  I shrugged. DK smiled and said, "We just weren't feeling it."
  
  A few minutes later, another season ticket holder in the row in front of us arrived and said, "What happened to you guys last week? We were looking for you, but you never showed up!"
  
  DK and I barely know these guys. But it's nice to be missed, even by people whose existence you have never given a second thought.
  
  
• Last Thursday, I received a check for $13.86 from Kohn, Swift, & Graf, P.C. as payment of my portion of a $67.375 million settlement in a class-action lawsuit filed against a group of record companies and music retailers for conspiring to raise prices. Anybody was eligible to get in on the booty who bought a CD, cassette tape, or vinyl record between January 1, 1995 and December 22, 2000. The deadline to file a claim was March 3, 2003.
  
  What, you didn't sign up? That's because you're a sucker, Jack.
  
  
• I got my statement from my bank yesterday, accompanied by this announcement:
  
  Good news! We've listened to your feedback and have made some changes to your statement. We're happy to announce that your checks will once again be listed in columns.
  
  Huzzah! Victory is ours, comrades! We can finally stop our furious campaign of making phone calls, writing letters, and gathering signatures on petitions demanding that our bank statements list checks in columns, instead of... um... er... however it was being done previously. Who says huge corporations don't listen to the concerns of ordinary Americans?

+posted by Lawrence @ 2/29/2004 10:40:00 PM