Attention ghetto guys 'n' gals! Transportation challenges are forcing Kilgore Trout to ride the bus to work for a couple of weeks. Why not make his experience with public transportation a trying and miserable experience, like the Twelve Labors of Hercules?

Kilgore takes the eastbound 44 bus at the corner of 18th and Stout at 8:36 am. Make sure he boards the bus first, and then you and your friends should sit down directly behind him and commence the loudest, most pointless conversation you can muster. Volume will determine your success -- you must shout at each other constantly, as if you were standing at opposite ends of a football field, pulverizing concrete with jackhammers. Do not be fooled when Kilgore pretends to read a book or magazine. He can hear you just fine.

You should use the profanest language possible. Modify every noun with fuckin' and append the meaningless phrase an' shit to every sentence. For example, instead of saying:

My parole officer told me I flunked my urinalysis.

use:

My fuckin' parole officer told me
I flunked my fuckin' urinalysis an' shit.

Confine your discussion to topics that will allow you to divulge the most intimate details of your personal life, including:

• your sex life
  
• your criminal record
  
• your drug habit(s)
  
• your desire to divorce your husband, except you can't afford a divorce lawyer, and you are hoping that he will initiate divorce proceedings first, because he can do it for free while he's in prison for beating you
  
• your erotic fantasies
  
• your alcoholic mother
  
• your pregnant girlfriend who could go into labor anytime, and how excited you are to have reproduced yourself, and your fierce desire to make sure that you bring up the baby right, making sure that he studies hard and goes to college and really makes something of himself, although it's obvious to everyone within earshot (that is, the Western United States) that the only real question is whether your son will grow up to be a car thief, a heroin addict, or just a permanently stoned washout like his father

Form your conversation as a continuous stream of random observations, bogus insights, ignorant opinions, and offensive japery. At no point should you pause to think, admit uncertainty, or even breathe -- if necessary, cut a blowhole in the top of your head. Make certain to laugh constantly, even though nothing you say will contain the slightest spark of wit or hint of good humor.

Watch Kilgore carefully for signs of irritation, such as: glancing at his watch, sighing while staring out the window, clenching his jaw and/or anus, sudden weeping, flaring his nostrils, and rocking back and forth while rolling his eyes and muttering lyrics to Linkin Park songs. How many did you get? All of them? Hey, you guys are doing great!

+posted by Lawrence @ 2/04/2004 02:32:00 PM