THINGS THAT NEED TO GO AWAY RIGHT NOW, VOL. 4

• People who don't get movie references. At poker night recently, in addition the the usual bunch of recreational players who just like to hang out and drink a couple of beers over some low-stakes cards, a bunch of smart-aleck young guys showed up and immediately tried to take over our game. The smart-alecks used esoteric poker lingo. The smart alecks criticized the recreational players' decisions. The smart-alecks talked trash when they won and complained about their bad luck when they lost.
  
  At one point, the snottiest of the smart-alecks started fondling his chips and said, in his know-it-all voice, "Are these four millimeter chips?"
  
  "Four millimeter, five millimeter," I said, "whatever it takes." (This is a brilliant adaptation of a line from Mr. Mom, where Michael Keaton pretends to be rewiring his house. Martin Mull, playing Keaton's wife's boss, asks if he's going to wire it all in 220 volts. "220, 221, whatever it takes," Keaton replies. Listen to it here.)
  
  The smart alecks all stared at me as if I had started speaking Tagalog. I felt like an asshole. I don't think people should make you feel that way just because you're smarter than they are.
  
  
• People who write things like "$200 million dollars". (I googled "$200 million dollars" and got 6,300 hits.) Look, you guys, the dollar sign means "dollars", so the word "dollars" at the end is redundant -- it's like you're saying, "two hundred million dollars dollars". Just pick one or the other and put, "$200 million" or "200 million dollars".
  
  While we're at it, can we stop saying, "ATM machine", and "PIN number"? "ATM" stands for "automatic teller machine", and "PIN" stands for "personal identification number", so it's like you're saying, "automatic teller machine machine" and "personal identification number number". Just say "ATM" or "PIN".
  
  
• People who are too short to be seen over cubicle walls. I walk pretty fast around the office, and I'm tired of having Close Encounters of the Irritating Kind with these people, who pop out of nowhere from cubicle entrances and around corners. Fire 'em all, I say, unless they hold really crucial positions, (like CEO or Accounts Receivable clerk), in which case they could simply be forced to walk on stilts or wear bells around their necks.
  
  
• Those manipulative Duracell ads that show things like a little boy playing with a toy robot while we hear this voiceover: "You may think it's just a battery. But the battery that makes his robot work is the same battery that allows him to hear the rain." The camera shifts to show the side of the boy's head, revealing a prosthetic hearing device. As if that's not enough, the commercial ends with the boy's mother, near tears, embracing him and whispering, "You heard the rain."
  
  Jesus. Let me write your next ad, Duracell: "You may think it's just a battery. But the battery that makes this flashlight work is the same battery that will save the life of this adorable little puppy." The camera shifts to show a whimpering puppy -- preferably a golden retriever -- on an operating table, about to have a beeping heart monitor hooked up to it. To really hammer the point home, the commercial will end with exuberant children picking up their healed puppy from a kindly veteranarian.
  
  
• Rampant overcommercialization of every holiday on the goddam calendar. It's bad enough that Christmas decorations go on sale before Halloween, and Halloween costumes hit the shelves in mid-summer, but for sheer ridiculousness nothing beats a Guinness commercial I saw last Saturday that had a St. Patrick's Day theme. St. Patrick's Day isn't until March 17, so this commercial was 66 days early. Be on the lookout for Cinco de Mayo ads during the Super Bowl! I guess our corporate overlords won't be happy until all Americans are in frenzied holiday shopping mode 365 days a year.

+posted by Lawrence @ 1/14/2004 11:48:00 PM