Swingers (1996)
Starring Jon Favreau and Vince Vaughn.
Directed by Doug Liman.
Kilgore rates it: 7 (out of 10)

Swingers tells the story of a young urban man -- Mikey -- who reeks of self-loathing, fails constantly with women, and is simultaneously awed by and jealous of his swaggering, socially successful best friend, (played brilliantly by Vince Vaughn, who stages a near-total takeover of the film.) The script, written by Jon Favreau, who plays Mikey, is a gold mine of catchphrases and one-liners, ("You are so money, and you don't even know it.") It's just fun to watch this movie and laugh at the horny young men, wince at Mikey's self-inflicted embarrassment and torment, and marvel at Vaughn's effortless domination of every scene in which he appears. He reminds me of Val Kilmer in Tombstone -- handsome, charming actor gets part of secondary character, somehow ends up with all the good lines, turns in a force-of-nature performance, and takes the next ten years off. Have you seen Vince Vaughn lately? He looks like someone beat him around the face with a rubber hose.

Can someone explain to me why Heather Graham is a sex symbol? To me she's just a half-step above Mena Suvari -- too skinny, buggy eyes, waxy pallor, can't act, zero charisma, looks like she should be eating a ketchup-and-onion sandwich and screaming at a couple of filthy kids in a trailer park outside of Gary, Indiana. I'll take ten minutes in a tool shed with Patricia Clarkson any day over a weekend in Cancun with a six-pack of Heather Grahams.

The Safety of Objects (2001)
Starring Glenn Close, Dermot Mulroney, Jessica Campbell, Patricia Clarkson, Joshua Jackson, Moira Kelly, Timothy Olyphant, Mary Kay Place, Kristen Stewart, Alex House, and God knows how many other people who should have known better.
Directed by Rose Troche.
Kilgore rates it: 2 (out of 10)

Pssst! Did you know that oftentimes, lurking beneath the calm surface of bland suburban life, there boils a cauldron of torment and despair normally associated with poetry written by high school freshmen? You didn't? Well, then, have a seat, partner, and watch this annoying, pretentious mess of a movie about four middle-class families and their -- surprise! -- intertwined lives. Divorce! Adulterous temptation! Death of a loved one! Guilt! Teenage sex! Career dissatisfaction! Marriages drained of love and passion! Autistic and/or homosexual children! Sibling rivalry! Frustration channeled into odd obsessions! It's all here in two hours of sloppy directing, irritating dialogue, and illogical plotting.

The very beautiful Patricia Clarkson is one of the few reasons to watch The Safety of Objects. Tall, lithe, red hair... yeah, I know she's 43, and you can kiss my ass. The only other positive aspect of this movie was the warm feeling I got, knowing I made the right decision to be a one-man vector of negative population growth. If you're looking for a movie about tragic lives tangled in the most unlikely ways, watch Amores Perros or some episodes of Seinfeld. If you're looking for a movie about white-bread suburban angst, watch American Beauty, or better yet, Happiness.

+posted by Lawrence @ 1/26/2004 08:58:00 PM