The Red Army needs you.

The Battle against White Merlot has begun, and we need soldiers to heed the call. Boldly shall we go forth and reclaim vineyards of noble Merlot -- and Zinfandel and Shiraz -- grapes and return them to their intended purpose: production of dry red wines layered with character and complexity.

Perhaps you are wondering what the fuss is all about. Perhaps you are saying, "White Merlot? What's the big deal?" The big deal, mister, is one of destiny. Imagine that you are a young Merlot berry growing to maturity on a vine in Sonoma County. You spend your days basking in the sunshine and cool breezes, knowing that your place on this planet is no accident, knowing that you are here in this exact location due to the application of vast viticultural knowledge, acquired through centuries of painstaking trial and error and handed down through generations of master winemakers. You have a destiny -- to become part of a bottle of deep red Merlot wine, with its chocolatey aroma and plummy flavor. You wonder where you'll end up... served with a rare porterhouse at an exclusive New York steakhouse? Shared at home over a romantic, candlelit meal of pasta and garlic bread? Enjoyed in front of a crackling fire in an Aspen ski lodge?

Instead, you end up in a bottle of pink wine-like substance, get guzzled out of paper cups over Grilled Stuft Burritos from Taco Bell, and assist in lowering the inhibitions of a 16-year-old Arkansas girl so she can lose her virginity and get impregnated all in the same night. Some destiny, huh? Kind of like Luke Skywalker staying on as a moisture farmer on Tattoine.

"Okay, I'm in," you are saying. "What should I do?"

Well. You can click here to go to the official Pink Stinks website, designed entirely by the lovely and amazing Trillian. Take the Red Army Oath and click on the Cool Stuff link to pick up a button, banner, or image to install on your blog or website. You're in the army now, soldier! Want to become an officer? Write a post on your blog about the blasphemous evil of White Merlot, White Zinfandel, or White Shiraz, tell us about it, and receive an automatic promotion.

"But I'm a white wine drinker," you are saying, "so none of this matters to me, right?"

Wrong. White wine drinkers should be outraged that this lightweight hard grapeade -- I refuse to call it "wine" -- has appropriated the designation of "white wine". These bastardized fermented grape beverages can be referred to as pink, blush, or rosé, but they are not white. Doesn't it make you angry to think that somewhere people are polishing off a bottle of character-free White Merlot and deceiving themselves into believing that they are enjoying "white wine", the same way you enjoy your buttery Chardonnay, your spicy Gewürztraminer, your subtle Pinot Grigio?

Pink Stinks! Keep It Red!

+posted by Lawrence @ 1/21/2004 11:35:00 PM