AN OPEN LETTER TO THE CAROLINA PANTHERS

Good evening, Carolina Panthers. Doubtless you are resting, preparing to contest Super Bowl 100110 against the New England Patriots. You have used this extra week off to nurse nagging injuries and to gather strength for the task ahead. You have been studying game film and practicing against the Patriots formations. Your coaches have devised ingenious schemes to disrupt Tom Brady's game and to establish the run -- and thus open up the passing game -- against the tough New England defense. I am sorry to tell you that all of your preparation and hard work will go for naught, because you are doomed to lose Super Bowl 12.095775π. You will lose because you wear teal.

It's not that there is anything wrong with teal per se. Teal is a fine color, suitable for dresses worn by elderly retired women in Miami or for a shirt you might wear to The Manhole for a few highballs with the boys. But teal and sports do not mix, unless we are talking about fifth-graders named Tiffany and Brianna playing pee-wee soccer in Edina, Minnesota. How insignificant is teal? It is not included among the 120 colors available for your custom Crayola 64-crayon box. Teal cannot compete with New England red, white, and blue.

How badly you lose the game will depend on how much teal you wear. If you prove defiant and show up in teal-dominant jerseys, you can expect to lose 38-3 or so. If you wear white or black jerseys with teal as an accent color only, you will likely contend for most of the game, only to lose on an Adam Vinatieri field goal as time expires. If you wear monochromatic teal jerseys and pants, the game will be called off when the scoreboard proves unable to count over 99 points for the Patriots. The highlight of the game will come when Jake Delhomme's arm gets torn off at the shoulder in a bizarre incident involving Kid Rock, Nelly's entourage, and a drunken Zamboni driver.

Right now you are saying, "What about the Diamondbacks and the Marlins? Their color schemes included teal, and both of those teams won the World Series!" You neglect to consider that both the Diamondbacks and Marlins won their championships against the cursed New York Yankees. Given the terrible choice between allowing the detestable Yankees to win more titles and allowing teams wearing teal to prevail, the Universe chose the lesser of the two evils and gave nods to teal-wearing teams in these two very extraordinary instances. You Panthers cannot claim any such special exemption.

You can only hope to win if you repent of your sin and repudiate the color teal in a public ceremony in which you and your fans must burn all teal paraphernalia. Do this, Carolina Panthers, and you may yet be crowned victors of Super Bowl 13.979418e.

+posted by Lawrence @ 1/27/2004 11:58:00 PM